A Bit of a Pain in the Bottom

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen enters a surgery. Hugh is sitting behind a desk.

Stephen Hello, Doctor.

Hugh Ah, come in. Look, you're the last, do you mind if this is very quick?

Stephen Er ... no.

Hugh Alright then, how can I help?

Stephen (Very fast) Well Doctor, the fact is that I've got a bit of a pain in the bottom.

Hugh (Just as fast, if not faster) A bit of a pain in the bottom, I see. How did this happen?

Stephen Well I was out shopping this afternoon, and across the other side of the road a bomb went off in a shop.

Hugh A bomb? Good heavens!

Stephen Yes, and anyway, the whole pane of glass in the window of the shop next to me blew out.

Hugh The whole pane?

Stephen Yes, and anyway, a bit of the pane flew out and hit me in the arm.

Hugh The arm.

Stephen Yes. So I dropped my shopping, unfortunately on the foot of a horse that was standing in the street.

Hugh A horse?

Stephen Yes. A horse. Are you deaf? And the horse shied and just as I was bending down to pick up my shopping this horse kicked me in the other arm.

Hugh The other arm? I see.

Stephen So I went over to a doorway and sat down. But I didn't look where I was sitting, there was glass everywhere, and as I sat down I got a bit of glass right in the palm of my hand.

Hugh Palm of your hand?

Stephen Yes and I had this bottle of strong acid in my bag and unbeknownst to me I spilt some on the step when I stood up, sharply, from the pain of the bit of pane of glass in the palm of my hand.

Hugh I see, you spilt some acid.

Stephen So then I caught the bus home.

Hugh You caught the bus home.

Stephen Yes, you are deaf. And on the bus I sat next to this pervert. He took out this enormous carrot, and at knife point he ...

Hugh Good Lord.

Stephen He made me put it up my nose, while he watched.

Hugh Heavens.

Stephen So I ran out of the bus, which was moving, so I landed with a great bump and grazed my knee. But eventually I got home.

Hugh Good.

Stephen And I rushed to the bathroom because I was dying to go, you know ...

Hugh Mmm.

Stephen But I rushed out of the bathroom, because there's no toilet in there, and I went into the lavatory instead. But there wasn't any paper.

Hugh Ah!

Stephen So I had to get some from the cupboard. I then went upstairs to change, and there was a wasp in my new pair of trousers.

Hugh Oh, a wasp!

Stephen Yes, so I killed it. Then I went downstairs and watched television.

Hugh Mmm.

Stephen And it was that Paul Daniels, who's a bit of a pain in the bottom. Doctor, what can you do about it?

Hugh Doh!

Stephen Doh!

Both Doh!!!

Vox Pop

Stephen I said to him, he must have been about fourteen, then. I said "Son, you can't carry on forever just hanging onto your mother's apron. She's going to want it back one day."

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