Amputated Genitals

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen is coming groggily round in a hospital bed. Hugh as doctor, sympathetically gazes down.

Stephen Oo-er.

Hugh Mr Kerniff ...

Stephen Mmm.

Hugh Mr Kerniff, how are you feeling?

Stephen What happened?

Hugh You probably don't remember Mr Kerniff, but you were in a very serious accident.

Stephen A van.

Hugh No. An accident. You were on your bicycle, and you were hit ...

Stephen By a van.

Hugh That's it.

Stephen Am I all right?

Hugh You're going to be fine, Mr Kerniff. Lots of drink and plenty of hot sleep.

Stephen Right.

Hugh But I'm afraid you did sustain a very serious injury to your genitals.

Stephen My genitals?

Hugh (Holds up stainless steel tray) As you can see.

Stephen Oh dear.

Hugh Oh, as you rightly say, dear. We had no choice but to remove them.

Stephen Oh no.

Hugh Oh, as you didn't rightly say, yes.

Stephen However will I manage?

Hugh Hmm. Did you use them often, Mr Kerniff?

Stephen Well, not really. But it was nice to know that they were there.

Hugh Quite. Well all is not lost, Mr Kerniff. Medical science has advanced a great deal. Prosthetic and substitute legs, arm, even noses, are now commonplace.

Stephen You supply substitute genitals?

Hugh Say hello to Killer, Mr Kerniff. Hugh leads on a nasty-looking Doberman.

Stephen You're not going to ... I mean, surely you can't. For heaven's sake, I don't want a dog's genitals!

Hugh Oh what an almost amusing misunderstanding, Mr Kerniff. No no no. Killer will simply be your substitute for having genitals.

Stephen I beg your pardon?

Hugh Yes, I'm sure you've seen people walking round with Dobermans before?

Stephen Well ... yes.

Hugh Yes, well for men who have no genitals, the ownership of a Doberman or similarly violent animal acts as an important psychological crutch. And I stress the word "important".

Stephen Owning a Doberman is a substitute for having genitals?

Hugh Indeed yes, Mr Kerniff. Thousands of people compensate for genital inadequacy by owning large dogs.

Stephen But why?

Hugh Beats me, Mr Kerniff. I'm only a doctor. In addition we will provide you with a diving watch, a year's subscription to Guns & Ammo and this combat jacket. And these are yours too. Hugh drops a diving watch, a gun magazine, a combat jacket and a bunch of keys on Stephen's bed.

Stephen Wh ...?

Hugh Keys to your rusty white van.

Stephen But, Doctor ...

Hugh Yes, Mr Kerniff?

Stephen I appreciate that you're trying to help here, but I also happen to use my genitals for, you know, getting rid of my urine ...

Hugh Oh don't worry, that's the beauty of the system. When people see you wearing a combat jacket and driving round in a white van with Killer, the piss will be taken out of you constantly.

Vox Pop

Stephen I suppose in an ideal world I would be in bed with Philip Schofield right now.

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