Breast Delivery

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen answers the door. Hugh is standing there in delivery man gear, with clipboard.

Hugh Morning. Mrs Bennett?

Stephen Pardon?

Hugh Are you Mrs Bennett?

Stephen No.

Hugh No?

Stephen No.

Hugh Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Can you prove that?

Stephen Prove what?

Hugh I'm not being rude, it's just that for all I know you might be a conman answering doors and pretending not to be Mrs Bennett. Lot of that goes on.

Stephen Well ... will a Driving Licence do?

Hugh Not really, no. You might have stolen it, you see. Anything else you can show me, to prove you're not Mrs Bennett?

Stephen How about Mrs Bennett?

Hugh Sorry, not with you.

Stephen If I show you Mrs Bennett, would that prove I wasn't her?

Hugh It's a start.

Stephen Darling!

Hugh Yes?

Stephen No, I was calling my wife. I'm Mr Bennett.

Hugh Oh.

Stephen Darling!

Hugh No, look, don't bother. If you're Mr Bennett, you can sign for them. Would you mind?

Stephen Certainly. What are they?

Hugh Some breasts.

Stephen Pardon?

Hugh Your wife ordered a quantity of breasts from us, and we promised we'd have them here by Wednesday.

Stephen Today's Friday.

Hugh We had a puncture.

Stephen Wait a minute, what's she doing ordering breasts?

Hugh Search me.

Stephen I mean for heaven's sake she's already got some.

Hugh Tscch. Women. Don't start me off. They're never happy, are they? Just sign there for me.

Stephen "Breasts times three". Three?

Hugh Spare.

Stephen I see. Well thanks very much.

Hugh Aren't you going to check the box?

Stephen Why?

Hugh Well ... make sure they're all right.

Stephen I'm sure they're fine.

Hugh Mmm. We do get a lot of mix-ups.

Stephen All right, then ... one, two, three. They look fine.

Hugh Ermm ...

Stephen Yes?

Hugh D'you mind if I have a look?

Stephen I beg your pardon?

Hugh Just to check.

Stephen You want to look at my wife's breasts?

Hugh Well ...

Stephen You are asking me if you can look at my wife's breasts?

Hugh Just a peek.

Stephen (Showing the box) Tssch. All right then.

Hugh Phwor. Not bad are they?

Stephen I suppose they're all right.

Hugh All right? They're fantastic. You're a lucky feller.

Stephen Mmm. Actually, I'm a leg man myself.

Hugh Really?

Stephen Yes.

Hugh Funnily enough, I've got some legs in the back of the van if you're interested.

Stephen Have you?

Hugh Yeah. Make a nice surprise gift for your wife.

Stephen No, I shouldn't really. She's up to her waist in legs as it is.

Hugh They're a bit special.

Stephen Are they?

Hugh Definitely.

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