Charter

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen addresses the camera.

Stephen Yes. Quite funny. But only quite.

Hugh (off) Thanks very much.

Stephen But what can you do about it? Until recently, nothing. But ladies, and in a broader sense, gentlemen, m'colleague and I, concerned as ever with a relentless drive for higher standards, have decided to institute a Charter. A Charter that guarantees you the very highest standard of comic service.

Hugh has joined Stephen.

Hugh The Charter, or Charter, that we are proposing contains a raft of key points, a key basket of top proposals and a top key package of key top measures, to ensure that you, the viewer ...

Stephen The customer ...

Hugh The client ...

Stephen The punter or puntress ...

Hugh The John or Jane Doe ...

Stephen The Fred or Frederica Bloggs ...

Hugh The man ...

Stephen Or ladygirl ...

Hugh The man or ladygirl who would have been on the Clapham omnibus, but discovered after waiting for two hours that it's been cancelled and replaced by a bright yellow transit van that only runs at peak times ...

Stephen ... whenever the bleeding hell they are ...

Hugh To ensure that you have the right, the muscle, the arse- widening power, to MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

Stephen There are two main prongs ...

Hugh By which we mean two main sticky-out bits at the end.

Stephen There is quality and there is delivery.

Hugh Any joke which fails to come up to the normally high, rigorous, ruthless standards you would expect of A Bit Of Fry & Laurie can be reported to the Charter Commission where it will be inspected by a top team of key experts, who will then pass it on to a key team of top experts.

Stephen If your complaint is upheld the joke will be humanely destroyed.

Hugh Which brings us to our other sticky-out bit. Delivery.

Stephen Prong two. Delivery. In a modern society, jokes must be delivered on time: if you experience any delivery where the timing is too ...

Hugh ... slow.

Stephen Or if the ...

Hugh (interrupting) Quick.

Stephen ... timing should be ...

Hugh Or if the joke simply never even ... Pause.

Stephen The Commision will be only too happy to look into it. The Comedy Charter: peace of mind. Audience power. Your guarantee of service and quality ... without dripping.

Hugh Anyway. On with the ruthless subversion of family values.

Vox Pop

Hugh You know that Kevin Major? Well I'd have to say that he's one of the most consistently impressive, dignified, articulate and rousing speakers I've ever heard. Stephen's voice off.

Stephen Thank you very much. And now could you give us an example of sarcasm?

Hugh Well it's almost the same, isn't it?

Download Charter as XML