Cocoa

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

An old people's home. Mr Simnock's room. Bed, sofa, etc.

Stephen (Attendant) Alright, Mr Simnock?

Hugh (Very, very old northerner) Eh?

Stephen I say, are you alright, Mr Simnock?

Hugh Smimble cocoa.

Stephen Yes, you can have your cocoa in a minute. I'll draw the curtains shall I?

Hugh Eh?

Stephen I say, I'll draw the curtains - be a bit cosier. More cosy for you.

Hugh Draw the curtains, cosy that. Cocoa.

Stephen Yes, your cocoa's coming, Mr Simnock.

Hugh Curtains.

Stephen (Drawing them) There, that's better. Nights are drawing in now, aren't they, Mr Simnock? Getting more chilly by the day. I don't know, time just races by doesn't it? Seems like it was only yesterday that it was Christmas. Oh no, what's this? You've dropped your magazines.

Hugh Didn't like them. Rubbish they were.

Stephen I'll pick them up for you - let's see, what have we got here. As Stephen bends down to pick up the magazines, Hugh cuffs him a mighty blow on the ear. Ooh, there now. That wasn't very nice was it? Hitting me like that. What d'you want to go and do that for?

Hugh Want me cocoa.

Stephen Your cocoa's coming - though I'm not so sure as you deserve it, really acting up today like I shouldn't wonder. Whatever next? You're a bad man, Mr Simnock. I'll tuck you up, look.

Hugh Ninety-two years old.

Stephen That's right, ninety-two isn't it? Ninety-three come November.

Hugh Ninety-two years old and I've never had oral sex.

Stephen I should think not indeed. Oral sex! The idea.

Hugh Never ridden a camel.

Stephen Now you're just babbling, Mr Simnock.

Hugh I've never watched a woman urinate.

Stephen I shall get cross with you in a minute, I shall really.

Hugh Never killed a man.

Stephen Now Mr Simnock, there's a certain man that I shall start killing if he's not very careful, thank you very much.

Hugh Never been inside an opera house. Never eaten a hamburger.

Stephen You're a stupid silly old man and I won't have any nonsense.

Hugh I'm fed up, me. Never done anything.

Stephen Well, you're a bit chilly I shouldn't wonder. Your cocoa'll be along in a minute.

Hugh Don't want any stupid cocoa.

Stephen Now don't be contrary - you love your cocoa.

Hugh I hate cocoa. Gets a skin on it.

Stephen Not if you keep stirring it.

Hugh Makes me kek that, makes we want to cat up. I want to drink milk from the breasts of a Burmese maiden.

Stephen I don't know. What's the matter with you today, Mr Simnock? I think we'll have to put you on extra Vitamin E. Burmese maidens! In Todmorden.

Hugh You've got bad breath you have.

Stephen Now. Now, Mr Simnock, there's no call to be personal, I hope.

Hugh Like rotting cabbages.

Stephen I'm very angry with you, Mr Simnock.

Hugh You're a great Nancy.

Stephen I'm not a great Nancy, Mr Simnock, and you're wicked to say so.

Hugh Great Nancy, Mary-Ann, bum-boy Nance. I bet you've never even done it.

Stephen I won't have you talking like this Mr Simnock, I won't really.

Hugh You shouldn't be in a place like this, your time of life.

Stephen Someone's got to do it, Mr Simnock. Dedication, though why I bother -

Hugh You should be out there having oral sex, killing people, watching women urinate in opera houses and eating hamburgers on camels. Drinking milk from the breasts of Nepalese maidens.

Stephen It was Burmese last time.

Hugh I've changed my mind. Nepalese. Instead you're stuck here taking rude talk from an old man. You're a Nancy, a great bog-breath Nancy.

Stephen Ooh, you've really upset me today, Mr Simnock, you have really. I'm going out to hurry along your cocoa and when I get back I don't want any more nonsense. Honestly! Exit Stephen.

Hugh (Calling after him) You're a screaming Bertie and you pong. (To himself) Never seen a woman urinate, not once. Tragic waste, that.

Stephen (Re-entering) Now, I managed to intercept Mrs Gideon with the tray in the vestibule. So here's your cocoa, and don't say you aren't a lucky man to get it before the others.

Hugh Hooray!

Stephen There, that's the stuff isn't it?

Hugh Cocoa.

Stephen Yes. A certain naughty boy said some naughty things though, didn't he?

Hugh I'm sorry Brian. Right sorry.

Stephen Well there. As soon as you see your cocoa you mend your manners. I'm not sure I should give it to you, now.

Hugh Oh please, Brian.

Stephen There you are then. That's better, isn't it?

Hugh Lovely drop of cocoa, that.

Stephen Berent's: that's the best. Stephen smiles at the camera.

Advert-style voice-over Good old Berent's cocoa. Always there. Original or New Berent's, specially prepared for the mature citizens in your life, with nature's added store of powerful barbiturates and heroin. Hugh collapses with a grin on his face.

Vox Pop

Hugh Betty had a bit of bitter butter and put it in her batter and made her batter bitter.

Download Cocoa as XML