Assistant Can I help you?
Hugh Yes please. I'd like eight packets of condoms, please.
Hugh Eight. Four of them Fetherlite, three of them ribbed, (half sotto voce) the new single by Jason Donovan, (loud again) and one multi-coloured pack of Fiestas.
Assistant Jason Donovan?
Hugh That's right. Can you make sure they're all sensitol lubricated?
Stephen Hoo, that's a tricky one. Er, dinner with Melvyn Bragg, cooked by Keith Floyd, followed by sex with Madonna, and then breakfast in bed, served by Chris Patten in a yellow jumpsuit.
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