Countdown to Hell

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

We are in the Countdown studio. Stephen is Richard Whiteley. Hugh is Hugh.

Stephen Right ... so ... er ... right. And ... right ... so Simon, I think ... right ... it's your choice, I think.

Hugh (Wetly) Consonant please, Carol. A piece of totty puts up a consonant and says its name.

Girl Right. Consonant. "B".

Hugh Vowel please.

Girl "O".

Hugh Consonant please, Carol.

Girl "L".

Hugh Another consonant please.

Girl And that's "L" again.

Hugh Vowel please, Carol.

Girl Another "O".

Hugh Consonant please.

Girl "C".

Hugh Another consonant please.

Girl "S".

Hugh And another consonant please.

Girl "K".

Stephen All right ... right ... so ... right ... right ... your countdown starts ... now. Music, clock ticking etc. as is. The thirty seconds are up.

Stephen Right ... so ... Simon, how did you get on.

Hugh Just four I'm afraid.

Stephen Four, just four. Right, so, Liz, how about you?

Liz Four as well.

Stephen Right, four too. So four each there. Very interesting. Four each. What was your four Simon?

Hugh Lobs.

Stephen Lobs. So, lobs. Right. Lobs. Meaning "lobs" I suppose. Lobs. Right well let me "lob" it over to you Liz and ask you what you got for your four?

Liz Look.

Stephen Look. Look. I think we can allow that. No need to "look that one up" in our dictionary. What did our guardian of the dictionary find? Anything better?

Gyles (For it is he) Well now, as a celebrity rather than a member of the public, I naturally did rather better and came up with "books" for five, or "blocks" for six or there is an eight actually.

Stephen An eight ... right .. an eight ... well that's very exciting ... an eight ... and what's your eight?

Gyles Sloblock.

Stephen Sloblock. Sloblock. So, sloblock. And what does sloblock mean, exactly?

Gyles Basically, and I'm indebted to Myra Perks of East Hell for this jumper, by the way ... basically sloblock means balls, the things we keep in our scrotums, or by extension something that is rubbish or a pile of nonsense. "Oh that's a load of sloblock" you might say.

Stephen Right well let's hope no one thinks this programme is "sloblock". Now ... right ... so then ... right ... it's time for our Conundrum. Thirty seconds to solve it and here it comes ... now. The conundrum appears. Clock ticks etc. The conundrum is the word "pathetic".

Vox Pop

Hugh I'd like to have children, but it's just the thought of the actual ... you know ... all that yucky ... and they say that giving birth is pretty horrible too.

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