Don't Be Dirty

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen is a genial afternoon game show host. He is flanked by Hugh and Clive.

Stephen Hello, and welcome to Don't be Dirty, the show that shows you don't have to be dirty. With us is Tony, three times semi- finalist, and Clive, keen to be clean, who got through unexpectedly when last week's winner, Mr Nottingham, died in a canoe. Tony, you to start. Will you please describe for us the act of fellatio, Tony - the act of fellatio - without, Tony, without, and I'm sure you must know the rules by now, without being dirty. Your time starts five seconds ago.

"Fellatio" flashes up on the screen.

Hugh This is an act, an act that takes place between two people, possibly of opposite sexes, but possibly not ...

Stephen Oooh, careful, Tony ...

Hugh ... whereby one of the participants takes a part of the other participant's person into the place where they might more commonly keep bubble gum, say, and proceeds to masticate ...

Stephen Oooh, Tony, I thought you'd gone there. You're playing with fire, man ...

Hugh ... until the other participant arrives at a state of pleasurable relaxation. The second participant then gives the first participant ten quid and goes back home.

A gong sounds.

Stephen Unbelievable. Can no one beat the big man from Hunstanton? Clive, it's up to you. Your topic is the preservation of hard woods, and your time starts ... then.

"The Preservation of Hard Woods" flashes up.

Clive Well, this is a very necessary business ... A buzzer sounds.

Stephen Tony's challenged.

Hugh Business.

Stephen Business, yes, you did say it, Clive. Little bit dirty, there, one point away, but plenty of time to go.

Clive ... operation that has to be carried out if developers are not to rase your hard woods to the grounds and ... Hugh buzzes again.

Stephen Another challenge from our reigning champion. The nature of your challenge, Tony, please.

Hugh He said "rase".

Stephen He did say "rase", Tony.

Hugh Rase is an anagram of arse.

Clive is furious with himself.

Stephen Rase is an anagram of arse, it is, it is, it is. So sorry Clive, but we do have to lose you. You were Keen to be Clean, but you came up against a man very much on the top of his form. We say goodbye.

Clive Oh, piss.

Stephen Now, Tony, you've been in this position before. You keep the Don't be Dirty Sweatshop and Neck, you keep the 800 pounds in weight. They're yours to keep. No one can take them away from you, AS OF RIGHT, they are yours and yours alone. If anyone touches them or tries to appropriate them you would be justified in taking extreme and violent measures of self- protection. But, I'm offering you 600 more pounds or a chance to go into another Don't be Dirty Daily Double with a chance to win ten pounds.

Hugh I'll go for the daily double.

Stephen I knew you'd say that, Tony. You're a sport, quite a sport. But do remember you KEEP the prizes you've already won. They're yours. No one else's. Yours. You're clear on that?

Hugh I'm clear, Bradley.

Stephen Alright. So long as that's clear. They're yours to keep. Yours. Now. Can we have our Don't be Dirty Daily Double categories on the board, please? Your three categories are (as they come up on the big board) "rimming", "genital torture" and "David Vine".

Hugh Ooh.

Stephen Remember it is a Daily Double, so twosubjects. I must hurry you as you take your time. Just take your time, very quickly.

Hugh Hard. It's very hard. I think "genital torture" and "David Vine" please. Lights go down. Stephen suddenly gets very quiet and serious.

Stephen Tony. You have thirty earth seconds in which to talk about genital torture and David Vine without being dirty and your thirty seconds start ... Stephen looks at his wristwatch. ... damn - missed that one - coming up. Coming up. Your thirty seconds start - now!

Hugh A certain class of person exists who derives some kind of undefined pleasure in inflicting quite excruciating pain upon the parts of their bodies which are designed to be hidden inside pants and vest. To this end nipple-clamps and scrotal compressors are deployed, as well as a variety of serrated needles which can be inserted down the channels and pipe-work which constitute the organs of generation. Presenting various sporting events, most especially the world snooker finals from the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, David Vine combines relaxed and informative presentational skills with a clear expertise on the game. He ... Claxon sounds.

Stephen Oh Tony. Tony. Tony. Tony. "On the game"! You said "on the game". You were dirty, Tony, and that's a pity. Hugh hits his head.

Hugh I was dirty. I was dirty. Shite-arsed damn.

Stephen Only four seconds left and you were dirty. Well, David Vine was obviously going to be a category which could trip up even a seasoned Don't be Dirty finalist like yourself. I'm afraid you lose the prizes you've won this week, and everything from the weeks before. You repay to us your travel expenses and you go away empty-headed. You knew the risks.

Hugh I did. I did.

Stephen But Tony, tell me. Did you enjoy yourself? Has it been a pleasure?

Hugh It's been a huge one, a really big one. I've pleasured myself a great deal.

Stephen I'm glad to hear it. Until next week, ladies and gentlemen. And remember.

Both Don't be dirty!

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