Hugh My first kiss. I suppose everyone can remember their first kiss. Nothing quite lives up to it, does it? I was eleven years old I remember and my great uncle had come to stay for a few weeks on parole. We used to play a game where I would sit on his lap and he would pretend to be a train. Then one day ... Stephen comes on.
Stephen Hugh, Hugh, what are you saying?
Hugh I was telling the ladies and gentlemen about my first kiss.
Stephen Yes, but Hugh, this is a delicate area, I really don't think -
Hugh We agreed that "A Bit Of Fry & Laurie" was going to be an arena for the expression of all kinds of ideas and experiences that wouldn't normally find their way on to television, didn't we?
Stephen We did, we did agree.
Hugh So my surprise at feeling a tongue suddenly ...
Stephen Hugh, there are valid arenas and valid arenas. This is not one of them.
Hugh But I want that experience to be understood, it may help others to know that they're not the first to feel that wet ...
Stephen Hugh. Believe me this is a whole can of worms you're opening here, and if there is one single taboo left, one unmentionable subject not fit for comic treatment, you've just mentioned it.
Hugh But surely there's nothing so very odd about it. There I was, on my great-uncle's lap and in came Lucy.
Hugh Yes, Lucy.
Stephen And how old was Lucy?
Hugh Oh, twelve I think. And I kissed her.
Stephen You kissed her.
Stephen You've done this deliberately, haven't you?
Hugh Done what?
Stephen You set it up to make it sound as if -
Hugh As is what?
Stephen Never mind. Get on with it.
Hugh All right. So I kissed Lucy, and was very surprised to feel her tongue pop out. It was my first real snog and I loved it. You can imagine that I fell in love instantly. Sadly the next year Lucy developed distemper and had to be put down.
Stephen (As woman) Well, I was born Mary Patterson, but then I married and naturally took my husband's name, so now I'm Neil Patterson.
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