Flushed Grollings

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

The set is one of those warehousey sort of places, where the merchandise is behind the assistant who wears a brown warehouse coat. Lots of blue plastic trays with pro-ey looking bits and pieces.Stephen enters with a list.

Hugh Help you, sir?

Stephen Um, a dozen grollings please.

Hugh Flushed or galvanised?

Stephen Flushed.

Hugh Right. That be it?

Stephen A copper flange-pipe, braced, two jubilees, seven nipples ...

Hugh Greased?

Stephen Greased nipples, yeah. Five olive-spantles, jigged and onioned.

Hugh Twelve or seventeen mill?

Stephen Twelve. Metre of fleeling wire, coaxial, twenty UJ's and a parping couplet.

Hugh Male or female?

Stephen Male. No, second thoughts, one of each.

Hugh Do you want the parping couplet standing proud?

Stephen No, embarrassed I think.

Hugh An embarrassed parping couplet. That it?

Stephen Two rolls of spowling tape.

Hugh Double-sided?

Stephen Do they do single-sided?

Hugh Only in Viennese lengths.

Stephen Better go with double then. Six sheets of gruddock paper.

Hugh Parkinised?

Stephen No.

Hugh Right.

Stephen Nearly there. Four felching pens and a bevelled spill-trunion.

Hugh Only got one felching pen left. Got some frotting pencils though.

Stephen Will they do?

Hugh Well, you know the thrush-plate?

Stephen Yeah.

Hugh You can use a frotting pencil on that, rude to the look-out valve on the fumpspoke and you can cut out the felching altogether. As long as you rim the satchel-arm properly first.

Stephen Right. Four frotting pencils then.

Hugh So, that's it, is it?

Stephen Yup.

Hugh You've already got a clip-jawed double lock brace have you?

Stephen Do you reckon I'll need one?

Hugh Well, are you going straight or curved?

Stephen Straight, then curved.

Hugh Ah. Well you should be all right then, as long as you remember to suck the clenching pin tight to the arc thrust. Stephen slaps Hugh in the face.

Stephen How dare you.

Hugh Sorry.

Vox Pop

Stephen (As woman) I had shares in Gas, Electricity, Water, the lot. But then the government sold them all.

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