Get Well Card

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen enters a stationer's, general Sub Post Office, card shop sort of place. He is an old man, from the north, with a voice not unlike a combination of Robb Wilton and Harry Worth. I don't know why, but there it is (as Harry Worth used to say). Hugh is a female assistant.

Hugh Help you, chuck?

Stephen Well dear, I don't know. I don't know as if you can help. Do you have any get well cards?

Hugh Dozens. We've got dozens. Dozens we've got.

Stephen Aye, well, that's all high and dandy, but have you got one? You see, it's my daughter's twenty-first Friday week.

Hugh You'll want a birthday card then, pet.

Stephen I wish it were that simple. No, you see. Let me think. My wife. She's my second wife you see. The first drowned in a mixed salad in 1978. My second wife is a younger lady.

Hugh Like myself.

Stephen Life yourself. Very like yourself. Slightly heavier beard-line though. I've got a photo ...

Hugh Ooh, lovely.

Stephen But it's of the Bolton Wanderers' reserve team playing away at Blackburn so it's of no use to you. Anyway, my second wife, she doesn't like younger ladies around you see. They remind her that she's getting on herself. And next Friday, when it's my daughter Amanda's twenty-first ...

Hugh That'll be her stepdaughter.

Stephen My daughter by my first wife - she'll be jealous.

Hugh It is never easy being a stepmother.

Stephen She'll see her stepdaughter be all young on her twenty-first and she'll have one of her jealous spasms.

Hugh They can be nasty, can spasms.

Stephen Well that's right love. So I'd like to have a get well card good and ready.

Hugh Well there's one here. It's got a message "Sorry about the varicose veins, get well soon".

Stephen Well it's grand that. It's lovely. But I'm not sure as it's appropriate. Have they all got specific messages?

Hugh Well they do these days. It's the acid rain, I think. Hold up chucker-pet, this is more like. "Sorry to hear your teeth fell out in the Arndale Centre, All my love Thomas."

Stephen My, that is specific, isn't it?

Hugh It is specific, doll, that's the charm.

Stephen I see. I do see. Still not quite right though, is it?

Hugh How about a nice printed poem? "I'm right sorry to learn yer, Succumbed to another nasty hernia. You mustn't lift what you cannot carry, All the best, your grandson, Harry."

Stephen I'll take that one, on the off-chance.

Hugh What off-chance, duck?

Stephen Well on the off-chance I change my name from Fred to Harry and my grandmother comes back to life, and has another nasty hernia. You never know.

Hugh It's as well to make sure. But I'm sure we've got something that meets your particular case, petty-love. Ah, now. What's this? "Where are your youthful years, your stepdaughter has 'em, That's why you had such a dreadful spasm, Hope you recover very quick, Your loving husband Frederick." That's what you're after.

Stephen Oh, what a pity. I'm Alfred, you see. Not Frederick.

Hugh Now that's a shame.

Stephen Never mind I'd best forget it.

Hugh Well, you'd best take one of these from me then.

Stephen Hello. What's this. (He reads) "Poor old Alfred life is hard, You tried to buy a get well card There wasn't one to meet your case, Ever so sorry, much love, Trace."

Hugh That's me.

Stephen Well bless you chuck.

Hugh Least I could do, dove pot.

Vox Pop

Stephen All these so called chattering classes. Your Harold Pinters and your Lady Antonia Braggs and so on. They all earn good money and yet they claim to be socialists. Incredible. Only poor people should be allowed to be left-wing in my view. Anyway, if these people were real socialists they would give everything away. Oh no that's Christians who are supposed to do that isn't it? You'll have to forgive me, I'm mad.

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