Head Gardener

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen is at home in his bathroom, bent over a sink, washing his hair. He hums and washes. He spots the camera.

Stephen Hello. If you're anything like me then you probably wash your hair quite often and probably use a shampoo. You're pretty tall, you're called Stephen and you haven't got much time for gardening. Well, I may have just the answer for you, Stephen. It came to me yesterday, when I was standing here bent over the wash hair basin. Here's a thing we do a couple of times a week (though if it's more than that I urge you to consider the benefits of a specially formulated frequency shampoo) and which utilises the very same key nutrients and minerals that any gardener will tell you are essential for healthy plants and gums. So, Stephen, I've come up with this new five-minute addition to my hair grooming and facial scrub programme. If you're anything like me you'll probably like to rinse after your second wash and you'll have a friend called Hugh who plays with an Etch-a-Sketch in your airing cupboard. Stephen opens the airing cupboard where Hugh is sitting and Etch-a- Sketching. Hugh, come on out and help me explain my new break-through in hair.

Hugh Right-o.

Stephen I was explaining to the viewing several that after the second wash I like to have a thorough rinse.

Hugh No harm in that, if it's done sensibly.

Stephen Exactly my point. And it's at this stage when my new development comes in. Here, in my freshly-watered, protein- enriched hair are the ideal conditions - neutral balance Ph, active liposomes and gentle cleansing agents - for a small, but attractive town-garden. Hugh. Hugh takes a packet of seeds and starts to plop them in Stephen's hair. What have you chosen, Hugh?

Hugh A mix of begonias, dog-roses and clematis.

Stephen No vegetables?

Hugh I thought perhaps I could sow one or two potatoes just behind the crown here.

Stephen So a general utility garden.

Hugh Pretty much.

Stephen Well. Now I have to blow-dry with my Pifco tress-matic on its lowest setting and let nature do its work. Time has passed. Stephen now has a towel over his head. Well, let's see how it's fared. Hugh removes towel to show spectacular garden. Flowers, patch of lawn, rockery ... the works.

Hugh I think that's come out rather well.

Stephen Simple, cheap, effective. Well done Hugh, my head gardener.

Hugh That's amusing.

Stephen (to camera) Of course your own hair garden needn't be confined to this limited range of plants. The sky's very much the limit. Climbing wistarias, alpines, runner beans, you name it. And if you have dandruff problems you might consider a traditional Japanese snow garden.

Hugh If you're anything like me, you'll be keen to experiment and you will enjoy wearing lycra one-pieces alone in your bedroom. Stephen goes and stands oddly, looking at a wall. What are you doing Stephen?

Stephen I'm south-facing.

Hugh (picking up Etch-a-Sketch) Ah, well it's back to the airing cupboard for me.

Stephen See you next wash day.

Both Ber-bye.

Vox Pop

Stephen I think the Queen does a ruddy marvellous job. Ruddy marvellous. I opened Parliament myself a couple of times in the seventies, and believe you me, it's not as easy as it looks.

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