Interrogation

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen, as a solicitor, sits at a table in a police interview room, next to Kevin, his client. Hugh sits opposite with Fiona, a WPC, next to him. Kevin is upset.

Kevin Yes, yes I admi ...

Hugh holds up a hand to silence Kevin.

Hugh (switching on recorder: speaking in routine monotone) Wednesday 4th April 1994, 18.32 hours. Detective Sergeant Carter interviewing Jonathan Dumayne, Mr William Ponce, solicitor and WPC ...

Stephen And commissioner for oaths ...

Hugh And commissioner for oaths, and WPC Helen Thompson are also in attendance. Mr Parker has been advised of his rights.

Hugh appears to have finished.

Kevin I ...

Hugh This interview is being conducted in accordance with the Police and Criminal Evidence Act 1987, Section 17, Interview Procedure, and is being recorded on chromium dioxide tape, with Dolby C noise reduction engaged, delivering magnetic tape registration through twin direct drive spindle-heads tracking at 57 revolutions per minute outputting 200 watts per channel. The unit is powered by alternating current at 240 volts with a maximum of 7.5 amps.

Again Hugh seems to have shot his bolt.

Kevin I don't really know why I ...

Hugh Mr Parker is wearing a light grey worsted wool jacket with slashed pockets and double vent with a configuration of three buttons, at present unfastened. His shirt is a woollen cotton mix of the type commonly known as Vyella. No tie. His trousers ... Hugh looks under the table. ... are a dark blue drill cotton, in the diagonal weave often referred to as chino. Odd socks and a pair of Air Wear shoes, known as DMs, short for Doctor Marten, the inventor of this brand of cushioned rubber sole which is acid splash resistant, hardy, comfortable and pleasantly styled. The prisoner is currently refreshing himself with a cup of tea and a biscuit brought by the duty sergeant. He has chosen an English breakfast blend taken with semi-skimmed milk and a half teaspoonful of the low calorie aspartame sweetener Candarel Spoonful which can help reduce weight only as part of a calorie controlled diet. Of the range of quality biscuits on offer he selected a McVitie's Boaster. The prisoner is aware that this interview is being recorded.

Hugh has apparently shot his bolt. Kevin is doubtful. He opens his mouth, finds that Hugh isn't going to speak, so starts himself.

Kevin I suppose I just ...

Hugh Mr Ponce has opted for a suit of slate grey herring-bone, from the Marks & Spencer Elegance range, teamed with a two-fold poplin short ... collar stiffeners? Stephen nods. Mr Ponce has indicated that collar stiffeners are inserted.

Stephen In the collars.

Hugh WPC Thompson is wearing regulation Metropolitan Police white blouse ...

Fiona Blouson.

Hugh I beg your pardon, blouson with ... what colour would you call that skirt?

Fiona Navy.

Hugh ... navy skirt with chequered tie-thing.

Fiona Stock.

Hugh ... with chequered stock. I note the application of a coral lipstick and an amber foundation cream of the colouring known as Gay Whisper. Fiona nods that this is correct. Her hair is attractively arranged with a delightful cow-lick reminiscent of the 1960s model Jean Shrimpton and the styling techniques of the then fashionable Vidal Sassoon. A light day- time fragrance has been applied to her pulse-points. The citrus top-notes with a deep bass of vetiver and wood-bark tells me that the favoured scent is Diorella, by Christian Dior of Paris, New York and London.

Fiona Dioressence.

Hugh Damn.

Fiona Very close ...

Hugh Dioressence, by Christian Dior of the previously mentioned cities. Right, Mr Dumayne ...

Hugh has stopped. After a couple of false starts Kevin realises his moment has come.

Kevin I am extremely happy to tell you the full facts of the ...

There is a loud clunk. They all look at the machine. Then at the camera. A trumpet goes: MWA MWA MWA ...

Vox Pop

Hugh As I travel round the country, giving speeches and replacing lengths of guttering in high buildings, I have become increasingly distressed at the ignorance and prejudice that seems to surround the whole business of sucking. This used to be a dynamic nation; a nation of skill and know-how, of determination and vision. The rest of the world used to look to us for a lead on sucking, and we were happy, proud I should say, to give it. Now, well you can ask the average Briton to suck something for you in the street, even something quite small, like a hedge, and like as not he'll just shrug his shoulders and move on. That's sad. Terribly, terribly sad.

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