Jeremiah Beadle

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Hugh is a bank teller. Stephen approaches the counter wearing some sort of mask and carrying a sawn-off shotgun.

Stephen Be clever.

Hugh I beg your pardon?

Stephen Be clever. If you even breathe too loud, I'll blow you in half. Now, slowly and carefully, open the till and take out all the notes.

Hugh All the notes?

Stephen All the notes.

Hugh Yes. Is your account actually with this branch?

Stephen What?

Hugh If not, I'll have to make a phone call. Shouldn't take long.

Stephen If you even look at a telephone, I'll spread your brains all over the wall. I'm robbing the bank.

Hugh Robbing the ... oh God.

Stephen Now just take it easy.

Hugh Oh God.

Stephen Mouth shut. Nice and relaxed. Put all the notes into this bag.

Hugh Don't kill me.

Stephen Just do it, alright?

Hugh Yes, yes. All the notes ...

Stephen That's it. Nice and easy. Hugh nervously takes out all the cash, then suddenly stops.

Hugh Oh oh. Wait a minute.

Stephen What?

Hugh Oh I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

Stephen Come on, I haven't got all day.

Hugh Who put you up to this?

Stephen Put me up ... ?

Hugh It was Carol, wasn't it? I knew it! She's crazy, Tscch! Where's the camera then?

Stephen What are you talking about?

Hugh You're that Jeremy Beadle, aren't you?

Stephen What!?

Hugh I didn't recognise you at first. I'll kill her! She's a right minx. Oh I feel such an idiot!

Stephen Listen, you twerp, put all the money ...

Hugh I must say this is brilliant. You people are so clever. So when's it going to be on the television?

Stephen Look, I am not Jeremy bleeding Beadle! Now put the notes in the bag.

Hugh 'Course you'll have to bleep that out, won't you?

Stephen What?

Hugh Jeremy bleeding Beadle. You can't really say Jeremy bleeding Beadle on family television. Unless of course "Bleeding" is actually your middle name.

Stephen Look, I am not Jeremy Beadle. I don't look anything like Jeremy Beadle.

Hugh Well not with that mask on, obviously. Stephen removes the mask.

Stephen Satisfied?

Hugh That's brilliant.

Stephen What is?

Hugh You've got a false head on, have you? That's incredible.

Stephen If you don't fill that bag and pass it over in ten seconds, I'll kill you.

Hugh I can't wait to see this.

Stephen One, two ...

Hugh Actually, to tell the truth, I used to prefer "Candid Camera" ...

Stephen Five, six ...

Hugh You just stole their idea, really, didn't you?

Stephen Nine ...

Hugh Oh I just wish I'd put that other shirt on this morning. Still ... Stephen fires into Hugh's chest. Lots of blood. (Dying) You will send me a tape, won't you?

Vox Pop

Hugh And if you don't like the shape you can scoop it out with your finger.

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