Lavatories

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen Lavatories. Love them or loathe them. They're here to stay. We use them, we lavish our affection on them: we clean them, polish them, some of us spend up to half of our lives in them. We read specialist lavatory magzines, spend money on the latest models with air-conditioning, stereos and two-speed wipers. Some of us even race them -

Hugh (Whispering) Cars.

Stephen What?

Hugh You mean cars, not lavatories.

Stephen (Studying script) Oh yes. Cars. How much do we know about them? We sit in them once a day and trust them to carry our effluent away, safely, cleanly, efficiently. Whether they're porcelain, plastic or fibre-glass, lever or button flush we expect them to -

Hugh Lavatories. You mean lavatories.

Stephen Oh yes.

Hugh T!

Stephen The beginnings of the modern lavatory were humble enough. In 1793 Johannes Krell of Leipzig constructed the first simple metal cabinet, using inert gases condensing to cool the cabinet to three degrees centigrade. The first dew-bin, or salad crisper started to appear in lavatories -

Hugh Fridges. You're talking about fridges.

Stephen Oh yes. Fridges. Like them or loathe them, you can't ignore them. Everyone's talking about them. Whether you're buying or selling a property, sooner or later you'll come in contact with a fridge. Their commission is an important part of your house budget -

Hugh Estate agents. You're talking about estate agents.

Stephen Estate agents. You can't live with them, you can't live with them. The first sign of these nasty, purulent sores appeared round about 1894. With their jangling keys, nasty suits, revolting beards, moustaches and tinted spectacles, estate agents roam the land causing perturbation and despair. If you try and kill them, you're put in prison: if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them.

Hugh That's better.

Vox Pop

Hugh I just loved the Beetles. They had hundreds of different kinds. Blue ones, black ones, yellow ones, two- tone, cabriolet. They had one with fuel injection.

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