Little Chat

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Hugh Father?

Stephen Yes?

Hugh I've been thinking.

Stephen Oh yes.

Hugh You know how you said that Mother had gone to live with Jesus?

Stephen Yes?

Hugh Well I don't think that can be right.

Stephen Oh?

Hugh Yes. Because I saw Mother last night.

Stephen You what?

Hugh Yes. In Asda. And the man she was with was nothing like Jesus at all.

Stephen (Putting down newspaper) Look, Jeremy, I think it may well be time that you and I had a little talk.

Hugh Aren't we having one now, then?

Stephen Well, yes, as a matter of fact we are. That's quite right. Good. How old are you now Jeremy?

Hugh Thirty-one.

Stephen Thirty-one, eh? When I first told you that Mummy had gone to live with Jesus, how old were you then, eh?

Hugh Twenty-seven.

Stephen Yes, well, goodness me, there we are you see. Twenty-seven. Time flies doesn't it? My goodness word me yes. There you are. Well now. When I told you what I told you it was a little bit of a fib.

Hugh Oh.

Stephen Yes.

Hugh You told me a fib.

Stephen Well it was to spare you hurt, son. You see Mummy didn't go to live with Jesus at all.

Hugh As I rightly guessed.

Stephen As you rightly guessed. What really happened was that Mummy died.

Hugh Died?

Stephen Yes. She died.

Hugh But I saw her in Asda.

Stephen No, you saw someone who looked a bit like her.

Hugh Oh.

Stephen You had to know sooner or later.

Hugh How did ... how did Mummy die then?

Stephen It's a sad story but you should know.

Hugh Yes?

Stephen I killed her.

Hugh You killed her?

Stephen Yes.

Hugh Why?

Stephen Why? Because she was screwing everything in trousers.

Hugh Oh.

Stephen (Returning to paper) You see?

Hugh Yes, Daddy.

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