Major Donaldson

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

A German castle. Stephen, as Major Donaldson, is slumped over a desk. Hugh is looking at a painting on the wall, his back turned towards Stephen.Stephen stirs to some kind of conciousness.

Hugh (Still not looking at Stephen) Ah, we return to some form of consciousness, Major.

Stephen Who ... whirr ...

Hugh You must forgive the rough methods of my colleagues. They are barbarians, barbarians. No finesse, it grieves me to say.

Stephen Where the hell am I? Hugh is inspecting another painting.

Hugh You admire Matisse, Major? Such bold strokes of the brush, such masterly control. What were you doing so far in front of your lines, Major? What was the nature of your operation?

Stephen Donaldson, Eric, Major. Serial number 46589320.

Hugh Come, come, Major Donaldson, you can do better than that, you know. Really so much better.

Stephen That's all you'll get out of me.

Hugh (Still hasn't faced Stephen) Such a pity our two nations were ever at war. We have a great deal in common you know. (Swings round) Tell me please when exactly is planned your invasion of France?

Stephen (Looking down) Do you think I know and do you think if I did know (He looks up) I'd ... tell ... you ... oh my God!

Hugh Yes what is the matter please?

Stephen You ... I can't believe it!

Hugh You are not believing what, please?

Stephen You! You're so ... so beautiful!

Hugh What are you saying?

Stephen I can't ... this is ... oh my God, this is it! Who'd've believed it? Here? Now? You're just the most fantastic, the loveliest creature I've ever set eyes on.

Hugh Don't play games with me, Major Donaldson. I'm not very good at them.

Stephen Games? Games? This is no game! This is the reallest thing that's ever happened to me. I just don't ... where the hell have you been all my life, you fabulous darling?

Hugh Now look ...

Stephen Oh God there's so much I want to know ... your name, I don't even know what he's called ... God, we've so much lost time to make up for. Stephen turns round a name card on Hugh's desk. It reads in Gothic upper case "Oberleutnant Friedrich von Stoltz". Friedrich! Yes, Friedrich! it suits you.

Hugh Have you taken leave of your senses?

Stephen Yes! Yes, Friedie, I have! For the first time in my life I have taken leave of my senses, and I love it! Did anyone ever tell you you have the sweetest, silliest little nose ... and the biggest bluest eyes? Hugh turns angrily away.

Hugh I give you one last warning, Major Donaldson!

Stephen Get that arse! That has got to be the cutest little bum ever!

Hugh (Furious by now) No, now this is enough! Enough you hear?! Perhaps you are trying on me some of your English senses of humour, but I tell you ...

Stephen And the accent, it's just so dreamy!

Hugh WHEN IS PLANNED THE INVASION?

Stephen Oh, who cares about the stupid little invasion, Friedrich, honey-puss? July the third, three beach- heads on Normandy codenamed Omaha, Utah and Nebraska, I think. But what does that matter? What matters is that we've found each other.

Hugh Normandy?

Stephen Normandy. Now, don't you think that deserves a kiss?

Hugh Well, maybe just a little one.

Vox Pop

Stephen There was a very famous writer once, I can't actually remember who it was, but he was once asked by a hotel porter for his name, and he said "G.K.Chesterton". I think it might have been Oscar Wilde.

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