Marmalade

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen and Hugh are sitting at either end of a long table, having breakfast. Hugh is a woman, Stephen isn't.

Hugh Could you pass the marmalade, darling?

Stephen What?

Hugh The marmalade, could you pass it?

Stephen You want me to arse the parlourmaid?

Hugh No darling, there's a pot of marmalade at your elbow, I want you to pass it.

Stephen A potty marinade in my dildo, have you gone mad?

Hugh Darling I want you to pass the marmalade.

Stephen (Amazed) You want me to fart the hit parade?

Hugh Pass the marmalade.

Stephen Smile at Roy Hattersley? You want me to smile at Roy Hattersley?

Hugh That doesn't sound anything like "pass the marmalade".

Stephen Roy Hattersley hasn't found anyone to pass the marmalade? You're babbling, woman.

Hugh No dear. I want you to pass the marmalade.

Stephen Roy Hattersley wants me to pass the marmalade?

Hugh No, I do darling.

Stephen An eiderdown? I'm not going to pass Roy Hattersley an eiderdown.

Hugh If you'll just listen.

Stephen He can get his own damned eiderdown like everyone else.

Hugh The marmalade dear, can you pass it?

Stephen Expecting people to pass him eiderdown as if he was someone special. No one's ever passed me an eiderdown.

Hugh Will you pass the marmalade?

Stephen No I will not go to bed with Geoffrey Howe. Not at any price. I think you must be off your head. Hugh gets up, walks down the table and picks up the marmalade. Stephen buries his head in the paper.

Stephen The Substantial Tide's Indebt smell by more quoits?

Hugh No dear, the Financial Times Index fell by four points.

Stephen Oh. Pass the marmalade will you?

Vox Pop

Hugh (As policeman) We're slow but steady. You know, we get there in the end. (Stopping a passer-by) Excuse me madam. Does the name Jack the Ripper mean anything to you?

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