Milk Pot

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen and Hugh enter as medieval clerics. A pot of UHT milk is on the table between them. They play the whole thing to camera as if the camera is a judge.

Stephen Behold. The Court under the eye of God finds itself convened this day of our Lord, Tuesday which is called Tuesday.

Hugh So be it. Be it so. And not otherwise.

Stephen Nay.

Hugh Moo.

Stephen As witness my hand hereunto bearing the great seal of Rotherham.

Hugh Miaow.

Stephen All who do have righteous business before these presents make sign or else say this court nay.

Hugh Or moo.

Stephen Or, possibly, moo.

Hugh The charge. Make known the charge.

Stephen Fourteen guineas per calendar hour.

Hugh Cheap.

Stephen Woof.

Hugh Be it appended and known in these our records that this chalice of Ultra Heat Treated milk being appointed in the wisdom of our Lord God to accompany the coffee of the most revered and holy Bishop of Uffington did fail to yield up its juices therefore most basely causing that holy and right goodly man to snag his fingernail against the tab the which is provided for the opening. Of. Thereunto.

Stephen Of it.

Hugh Slightly.

Stephen This snagging the devil having achieved, for it must rightwise be known that the devil hath possessed this chalice ...

Hugh Or pot.

Stephen Hath possessed this chalice or pot ... the lid did then open in an irritating little "V" shape and most lewdly disgorge its opal fluids upon the chaste and seemly waistcoat of our most Godly bishop.

Hugh Thereat proving that the pot is a most wicked pot ...

Stephen Or chalice.

Hugh A most wicked and contumely pot or chalice wherein Satan doth play Jackalawkins.

Stephen This being said ...

Hugh And neighed.

Stephen This being said and neighed unto the articles where of it is written that it should be said or neighed we do make most erotic demand that this pot or chalice be cast out, excommunicated, denied the blessing and eucharist of our Saviour and be tossed unshriven, unhouseled, interdict to the condign flames whence it most surely rose. Prepare the chasting dish. Prepare the chasting dish.

Hugh It is prepared.

Stephen The chasting dish is prepared and now the pouring. Opens milk and spills it. Bugger.

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