My Ass

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen is seated at a large desk in American military uniform, smoking a huge cigar: a Stars and Stripes flag hangs behind him.

Stephen Jacobson! Get your ass in here right now! Hugh enters, also in uniform, carrying a holdall.

Hugh Sir!

Stephen Jacobson, what the hell am I going to do with your ass?

Hugh My ass, sir?

Stephen Can you think of one goddamn reason why I shouldn't kick your ass all the way back to New Mexico?

Hugh Well, sir if this concerns ...

Stephen You know what the hell it concerns, Jacobson. It concerns your ass! What does it concern?

Hugh My ass, sir.

Stephen Do you recall what it was I said to you the last time you were in here?

Hugh Well sir. You told me to move my ass, and haul my ass, and not to sit on my ass, because if I did, you would personally rearrange my ass.

Stephen Uh uh. Wrong, Mr Jacobson. I was not going to rearrange your ass - I was going to boil your ass in a bag, and have your ass for breakfast.

Hugh That's it, sir. Have my ass for breakfast.

Stephen Read that sign, Jacobson. Hugh looks at a sign on Stephen's desk.

Hugh "The buck stops at my ass."

Stephen See, that's why I have this star Jacobson. Because my ass is on the line.

Hugh The bottom line ... ?

Stephen The bottom line.

Hugh I understand.

Stephen Well, I am glad you got your ass straight on that one. Now Jacobson, I've got myself a problem.

Hugh A problem, sir?

Stephen Yup. Seems that some goddamn college boy on the fifth floor wants a piece of my ass ...

Hugh Your ass, sir?

Stephen You bet your ass, my ass. If I could just get my hands on this guy's ass, his ass is history.

Hugh Whose ass would that be sir?

Stephen The guy who's got his ass in my face, Jacobson.

Hugh Sir?

Stephen Yes, Jacobson?

Hugh How does my ass fit into all of this?

Stephen It's very simple, Jacobson. You are aware that your ass is mine?

Hugh It is sir?

Stephen Oh yes, your ass is mine, mister. The day you joined the army, you signed your ass over to me.

Hugh I get it, sir.

Stephen Oh you do, do you?

Hugh This guy wants a piece of your ass, so you're thinking that, being as my ass is yours, maybe you could give him a piece of my ass as a way of saving your ass.

Stephen Shut your ass, Jacobson. Nobody likes a smart Alec. Now boy ...

Hugh Sir?

Stephen Got your ass with you?

Hugh Yes sir. Hugh plops the bag on the desk. Stephen looks into the bag.

Hugh With respect, sir, don't jerk my ass around.

Stephen Mm. Nice piece of ass.

Vox Pop

Hugh (Holding a lead) There's a lot of crap talked about pit bull terriers, really. They're great dogs. Absolutely great dogs. The pit bull terrier. You see Tyson here, he wouldn't hurt anyone unless ... arrggh!

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