News Report

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Hugh is in a belted raincoat, addressing the camera with a microphone: behind him is an imposing building. He is a bit nervous: Stephen is the cameraman, hence we only hear his voice off.

Hugh Ready?

Stephen Yup.

Hugh You don't mind that car being parked there? That's all right is it?

Stephen Fine, we don't see it.

Hugh OK. Right. (Clears his throat) The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court was tense this morning ... sorry ...

Stephen What?

Hugh Better just let these people through ...

Stephen What people?

Hugh These people ... Oh. Tsch. They've gone the other way. Huh. Looked as if they were going to come this ...

Stephen Ready whenever you are.

Hugh Right. The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court was tense this afternoon as the defendants ... oh damn. Ha ha ha.

Stephen What?

Hugh I said Plymouth Crown Court.

Stephen No you didn't.

Hugh Didn't I?

Stephen You said Bristol.

Hugh Did I? Tsch. Could have sworn I said ... anyway. Ready?

Stephen Ready.

Hugh The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court was tense this afternoon ...

Stephen What is it now?

Hugh Sorry. Frog in my throat. (He does some very elaborate coughing) That's better. Right. Shall we do it?

Stephen Yes!

Hugh I agree. Let's just go ahead and do it. In one. Ready?

Stephen Jesus Christ.

Hugh Right. The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court was ... sorry, would you mind moving to one side ... there were some kids staring at me, thanks very much. Right. This is it. Here we go.

Stephen Arrgh.

Hugh The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court was tense this afternoon, as the defendants ... oh I don't believe it.

Stephen WHAT IS IT NOW?

Hugh Aeroplane.

Stephen What!?

Hugh Can't you hear it?

Stephen NO!

Hugh Aeroplane. Listen. I thought it was an aeroplane. Sounded like a DC10 actually.

Stephen Can we get on with this?

Hugh Yeah, hear hear. Let's do it right now, OK. The atmosphere outside Bristol ... tell you what. I've just had a thought. Wouldn't it be better if we did this round the back, in case they come out that way ...

Stephen Do this now, or I will kill you.

Hugh What?

Stephen I will kill you unless you do this now.

Hugh Oh look, hey, you can't expect me to work under these circumst ... The camera starts to move towards Hugh. All right, all right. The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court was tense this afternoon as the defendants ... oh my God!

Stephen What?

Hugh There they are!

Stephen Where?

Hugh Over there, coming out of that door! The camera pans quickly round: nothing. Pans back: Hugh has vanished. Pans the other way: Hugh is disappearing down the street.

Stephen Twat.

Vox Pop

Hugh Computers? Bollocks, more like.

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