Operations

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen and Hugh are sitting on stools.

Stephen So, Hugh, I believe you've found something of interest in one of your magazines.

Hugh That's right, Stephen. It's a brochure for the Collingwood Hospital.

Stephen That's a private hospital, isn't it, Hugh.

Hugh That's right, Stephen. Important point.

Stephen And it's in London, England, if I remember serves me correctly.

Hugh That's precisely where it is, Stephen, yes. What excited me, however, as I was looking through this brochure was not where the hospital is, but the services it offers.

Stephen Medical services, I presume.

Hugh They do limit themselves by and large to the provision of medical services, Stephen, yes, I dare say they're keen to consolidate in that area before moving out into other leisure activities.

Stephen That must be sound business practice, in anyone's book?

Hugh That's right. But anyway, this brochure ...

Stephen Ha. I'd almost forgotten.

Hugh Well that would have been a shame, Stephen, because this brochure contains a full list of the Collingwood Hospital services, and it includes a complete section on the kinds of operations you can have, if you're ever down that way.

Stephen Would you care to read some of them out, Hugh?

Hugh Of course, Stephen. Just glancing down the page, I find everything from appendectomy to bone marrow replacement, from organ transplants to heart surgery.

Stephen So, no shortage of choice then, Hugh?

Hugh That's right. There's something there for everyone. It really is a mouthwatering selection.

Stephen When are they open?

Hugh Well this is one of the great things about the Collingwood. They're open twenty-four hours a day.

Stephen Weekends?

Hugh Weekends and Bank Holidays.

Stephen So the Collingwood Hospital might be a good place to take the family?

Hugh Absolutely, Stephen. There are plenty of operations that are specially tailored for children. For example, having their legs straightened. Mums everywhere I'm sure would love to go for one of their hip replacements, and for Dad ... well how about some of that heart surgery we mentioned earlier?

Stephen That sounds like a heck of a weekend. But Hugh?

Hugh Yes?

Stephen We haven't mentioned prices.

Hugh Of course. Prices vary, Stephen, according to the operation you choose ...

Stephen I'd imagine they would.

Hugh Well they do. Basically they start at around four thousand pounds for a tonsilectomy ...

Stephen Right.

Hugh ... and can go up to as much as sixty thousand for an eight hour operation on the brain.

Stephen So, really, whatever your financial status, there's something at the Collingwood Hospital for you.

Hugh That's right. There is one proviso I'd add to that.

Stephen Oh?

Hugh You should have quite a lot of money.

Stephen Good point. Whatever your financial status, as long as you've got a lot of money.

Hugh That's it.

Stephen And if you haven't? Or if you want to save money?

Hugh Well, my advice would always be ... get yourself a stout pair of walking shoes and get out into the beautiful countryside.

Stephen Thanks, Hugh. Plenty of choices there.

Vox Pop

Hugh I killed her because she said she wanted to marry Noel Edmonds. Until then, she really had been a model daughter.

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