Petrol Attendants

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen and Hugh are dressed as estate agents, but are working behind the counter of a petrol station.

Hugh ... pity you couldn't make it down to that club the other night.

Stephen Down to Shaggers?

Hugh Yeah. Cracking club, that. The crumpet there is first rate. I mean really excellent. Absolutely excellent.

Stephen I heard that. I had heard that the crumpet was top drawer stuff.

Hugh Oh it's excellent. Excellent.

Stephen You're a what, gold member there?

Hugh At Shaggers? Platinum member.

Stephen Right, 'cos I just got given membership at Screwers.

Hugh Really? Platinum?

Stephen Diamond, with strontium edging.

Hugh Oh that's excellent. Rebecca enters

Rebecca Excuse me, I'm trying to get some petrol out of pump number four.

Hugh Yup?

Rebecca Well it doesn't seem to work, can you ... wait a minute. Don't I know you two from somewhere?

Hugh Don't believe I've had the pleasure, no. Have you had the pleasure, Simon?

Stephen Don't believe I have had the pleasure of having the pleasure, Nick, no.

Rebecca Didn't you used to be estate agents?

Hugh Er ...

Rebecca You did! You were estate agents at ... where was it? Wilson and Routledge.

Hugh Er, we did at one point dabble in the property game, yeah.

Stephen And it is a game, isn't it?

Hugh Oh hell yes, it's just a game. Stakes are high of course, not everyone can take it, but it's a game nonetheless.

Rebecca And now you're running a petrol station?

Stephen Now we're in the petrol game, yeah.

Hugh And it is a game.

Stephen Oh yeah.

Rebecca Well do you mind moving into the switching on pump number four game, because I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Hugh Yes, can I ask first of all how much you were thinking of spending?

Rebecca I beg your pardon?

Stephen M'colleague is trying to get an idea of your price bracket.

Rebecca Look, I just want some petrol out of pump number four.

Hugh That would be Super Plus?

Rebecca Yes.

Hugh Simon?

Stephen Nick?

Hugh Details on the Super Plus? Lady's in a bit of a hurry. (To Rebecca) M'colleague won't keep you a moment.

Rebecca Details ... ?

Stephen (Reaching into a filing cabinet) Super Plus, Super Plus. There we go. "A fine, well-produced petrol in an increasingly sought after octane range, ideal for the professional person."

Rebecca Yes, yes, can I have some please?

Hugh Simon, do we have the keys to pump number four?

Stephen (Looking at a board behind the counter) I believe they're out at the moment, Nick. There's been quite a lot of interest in the Super Plus, as it happens.

Hugh Oh a great deal of interest. We've had several motorists in here this afternoon, offering cash deals.

Rebecca Well look, I'm offering a cash deal. I want ten pounds worth of petrol. She puts a tenner on the counter.

Hugh Yowzer. Looks like the lady means business.

Stephen Surely does and then some.

Hugh So ten pounds of Super Plus would be what, Simon ... ?

Stephen I'm on the case. (Taps away the till) That would buy you ... about two pints.

Rebecca Two pints?

Hugh Forty pounds a gallon, Simon, am I right?

Stephen Right as ever you be, Nick.

Rebecca Forty pounds for a gallon of petrol?

Hugh For a gallon of Super Plus.

Stephen It's a top drawer petrol, that, no question.

Hugh Oh it's excellent. Absolutely excellent.

Rebecca But ...

Stephen Tell you what. D'you mind, Nick?

Hugh Carry on ahead.

Stephen Lady's obviously keen ...

Hugh I read the lady as keen myself, Simon.

Stephen What we might be able to do is ring Mobil and ask whether they'd take an offer.

Rebecca What are you talking about?

Hugh Tscch. Very unlikely, Simon.

Stephen I'm not saying it'll work, Nick, I'm saying give it a try.

Hugh K. Stephen dials a number. So, what does yourself do in the evenings, I'm wonderings?

Stephen Good question there from m'colleague. Does yourself ever get down to Shaggers in the Kings Parade?

Hugh Or Screwers in Horley Street?

Rebecca I'm afraid not.

Hugh That's a shame. Excellent clubs. Absolutely excellent.

Stephen (Into phone) Hi, Mrs Mobil? Simon Pointless here. About that Super Plus ... yeah, well I have a lady here who says she's interested, but wondered whether you'd be at all flexible on price? Sure I'll hold. She's gone to check with Mr Mobil.

Hugh Presumably you're hoping for a more attractive price?

Stephen Well I'm going to try for a sensible price.

Hugh Good move. Try for a sensible price first, then an attractive price later.

Rebecca I wouldn't mind if it was cheaper.

Hugh Cheaper. Long time since I've heard that one. What's "cheaper" in new money?

Stephen Beautifully priced.

Hugh That's it. Let's see what old Simon can do.

Stephen (Into phone) Still here, Mrs Mobil. Lady's looking for a beautifully priced package. Can do. (To Rebecca) Mrs Mobil is anxious to dispose of the property and feels she can let it go for 195 a gallon, immediate sale.

Rebecca Fine.

Stephen That's fine Mrs Mobil, we'll get back to you.

Rebecca Can we get on with it?

Stephen We're expecting the keys back in a couple of days, so how about we fix up an appointment towards the end of the week?

Hugh Friday at 11?

Stephen Ah, I'm showing some first-time drivers round pump number four at eleven on Friday ...

Hugh Some time early next week then?

Rebecca Twenty five thousand estate agents who were safely confined in offices only a year ago have been forced by the property slump out into the community. It's a dreadful situation. But you can do something to help. Five pounds will help towards buying an assault rifle or handgun. Even 50p will buy enough ammunition to deal with a team like Nick and Simon. Please. Give generously. In the meantime, I'm going to have to decide which of these two to shoot first. Goodbye. Points gun at Hugh & Stephen.

Hugh Bye.

Stephen Bye.

Vox Pop

Hugh No, I don't have any children. At least, not that I know of ... hahahahaha. Because I've never been to bed with anybody.

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