Pooch

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Hugh and Stephen are sitting in a vet's surgery waiting-room. Stephen has a long-haired dachshund on a lead. Hugh has a basket by him. Stephen's character is perfectly horrible in its tweeness.

Stephen Wot'cha-got in there, I wonder?

Hugh Cat.

Stephen Got a mogs in there, have you? A kitti-puss? Lovely. This is Clover, my daxie. I've always had daxies. I like daxies with long coaties.

Hugh Do you, do you, really? Is that right?

Stephen What sort of mog-wog is your pussy-kit? A tabbles, a tom-tom or what?

Hugh Burmese.

Stephen A Burmie! I love a Burmie. Boy or girl Burmie?

Hugh Oh God ... male.

Stephen (into basket) Hello, Mr Burmie. What's your name?

Hugh Yes, it can't speak actually.

Stephen Oh, but they can understand every word, can't they?

Hugh Not much evidence for that.

Stephen My first dax, my first little dax was called Sculley. I named him after Hugh Sculley from the Antiques Roadshow. I love that programme, don't you?

Hugh Pervertedly.

Stephen Do you know what I do of a Sunday? After I've taken Clover for walkums ... we go walkums after lunch, don't we Clover ... just Clover and me and of course my little pooper-scooper, because that nasty Parkie man doesn't like to see poochie-poop on his best grass, does he?

Hugh Oh Christ ...

Stephen We come back and I make myself a cheese and tommy-toe toastie.

Hugh Cheese and what?

Stephen Tommy-toe. Tommy-toe. Tommy-toe.

Hugh Tomato.

Stephen Tommy-toe. Tommy-toe.

Hugh Don't say it again.

Stephen I make myself a cheese and tommy-toe toastie, sometimes two toasties, and a lovely old muggles of tea and I snudget down in time for the Roadshow. I love Sunday afternoonies.

Hugh Jesus Christ oh help.

Stephen If it's not the Roadshow, they have the animal programme with Desmond.

Hugh Desmond Morris.

Stephen We just call him Desmond in our house, cos he's like a friend. An old chum. Or there's Masterchef or the Clothsies Show. Clover and I love our Sunday afties, don't we Clover?

Hugh Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Stephen So what's wrong with Mr Burmie?

Hugh What?

Stephen Mr Burmie. Why's he come to see Vettiloo? Got a poorly tums?

Hugh Did you just say Vettiloo?

Stephen Sore throatie? (Into basket.) What's wrong with Mr Burmie?

Hugh I've brought him in to be killed.

Stephen Scusie?

Hugh He's got cancer of the liver, so I've brought him in to be put to death.

A pause.

Stephen Cancer?

Hugh Yes.

Stephen Cancer of the liver?

Hugh Yes.

Stephen Cancey-wancey.

Hugh Oh Jesus ...

Stephen (to the cat) Cancey-diddlies. They going to put you to deathies, Mister Burmie? They going to stop your heartipoos from going beaty-weat-weat? Are they going to go killichum- chums? Put your coldy-woldy body-wods in a holey-ploppy-poo- woo?

The door to the vet's office opens and Phyllida pops her head round.

Phyllida Clover?

Dachsund (looking up) Yeah?

Phyllida What can I do for you?

Dachsund (looking at Stephen) I'd like to have him put down, please. As soon as possible.

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