Sexual Relations

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen I haven't enjoyed sexual relations with my wife now for seven or eight years. We still make love every night, it's just that I don't enjoy it. Well, that's not good enough, so I decided to do something about it. He walks down a corridor. After all, how much do we really know about love-making? We all think we know, don't we? Well, perhaps you'd be surprised. Dr Hedges Evan is a sex therapist. He also, I'm told, makes the best cup of coffee in North London. Let's find out.

We're now outside a door. "Dr Hedges Evan". Cut to interior of office. Hugh is Hedges Evan.

Hugh The first thing I always say is this. Don't be afraid to experiment and above all don't be afraid to talk things through. To do it well takes time. If you're using the drip method, then make sure that everything is properly wiped down first.

Stephen (sipping from a cup) Well the results speak for themselves.

Hugh You're very tall.

Stephen No, no. I mean it.

Hugh Well, thank you.

Stephen Would you say that most couples would benefit from sex therapy, Dr Evan?

Hugh I have a handy little memory-aid to help describe the problems that confront most couples. They are the enemies of good sex and I refer to them as the two F's, the I, the N, the T and the other F. The two F's are Fear and Inhibition, the I is Myth and Fallacy, the T is Silence and the other F is Worry.

Stephen Right ...

Hugh And the most important of those F's is Ignorance. For instance most people are surprisingly ill-informed about the absolute basics, the one, B, C's of sex, if you like.

Stephen Now that's a very interesting point, Doctor.

Hugh Thanks.

Stephen What are some of the most common mistakes, would you say?

Hugh Well, I'll give you a for-instance. I had a couple in here not so very long ago, a news-reader and his wife as it happens, although it could just as easily have been a wife and her news- reader, and they had come to me complaining that their love life wasn't really working out. And do you know what the poor man had been trying to do?

Stephen Of course I don't.

Hugh I mean, I hear some pretty hair-raising stories in this office, as you can imagine, but that absolutely took the biscuit. He'd been trying to push his penis into his wife's vagina.

Stephen And that's bad, is it?

Hugh Well, I mean the idea is grotesque. I can't afford to be moralistic or a prude in my job, but I can tell you, I very nearly threw up.

Stephen Mm ...

Hugh Ignorance, you see. With a capital W.

Stephen So what did you do?

Hugh I sat them down, first of all.

Stephen They'd been standing up through all of this?

Hugh No, I had sat them down to begin with, but then they stood up to show me a couple of things ...

Stephen Gotcha.

Hugh And I turned round to them, and I said ...

Stephen You turned round to them, so you were facing ... ?

Hugh That wall there.

Stephen I have a clear picture now.

Hugh And I talked for nearly twenty minutes ...

Stephen Did you check your watch?

Hugh I don't wear a watch. I find it makes me rash.

Stephen I see.

Hugh No, I went by the clock above the main entrance.

Stephen So while you were talking, you weren't actually in the room with them?

Hugh I find it works for me.

Stephen And what was the result of all this? Satisfied customers?

Hugh They are now happily divorced, I'm pleased to say.

Stephen Both of them?

Hugh Both of them, indeed. The news-reader's career seems to go from strength to strength, and his wife is now the President of France.

Stephen Oh good. No chance of another cup, is there?

Hugh Every chance in Cristendom.

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