Sound Name

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen is a police sergeant, writing down the particulars of an arrest at the station counter. Hugh is on the other side, looking sheepish.

Stephen And the vehicle belongs to you, does it sir?

Hugh Yes.

Stephen And your name is?

Hugh Right. Hold on a second. (Hugh gets a lighter out of his pocket) Ready?

Stephen Yes.

Hugh My name is Derek ... (Hugh drops the lighter onto the counter)

Stephen What are you doing?

Hugh That's my name.

Stephen What is?

Hugh This. Derek ... (Hugh drops the lighter again)

Stephen That's your name?

Hugh Yes.

Stephen What? Derek (Stephen drops the lighter) ... is your name?

Hugh Yes.

Stephen What kind of name is that?

Hugh Well it's my name.

Stephen Unusual, isn't it, Mr ... (Drops lighter)?

Hugh If I had a pound for every time someone's said that ...

Stephen And how do spell ... (Drops lighter), Mr ... (Drops lighter)?

Hugh It's as it sounds.

Stephen Uhuh. Yeah but I wonder if you'd mind actually spelling it for me, would you?

Hugh Well I mean, can't you just ...

Stephen I'd be very grateful. If you wouldn't mind.

Hugh N-I-P-P-L hyphen E.

Stephen Nipple.

Hugh I beg your pardon?

Stephen Nipple.

Hugh Nipple? Where? What are you talking about?

Stephen N-I-P-P-L-E ...

Hugh Hyphen E.

Stephen Hyphen E ... spells Nipple. In my book. It does not spell ... (Drops lighter).

Hugh Have you gone mad? What's the matter with you? I thought the modern policeman was supposed to be a highly trained law enforcement unit. You can't even spell.

Stephen Alright, Mr Nipple, address? Hugh looks around. What's your address?

Hugh Are you talking to me?

Stephen Yes.

Hugh You want to know my address?

Stephen Please.

Hugh Or do you want to know Mr Nipple's address, whoever he is?

Stephen Your address please, sir.

Hugh Alright. My address is Number twenty-two ... (Hugh tapdances, slaps Stephen) ... Kings Lynn.

Stephen Now watch it.

Hugh What?

Stephen Just watch it.

Hugh Watch what, for heaven's sake?

Stephen You do realise, do you, that assaulting a police officer is an extremely serious offence?

Hugh Yes, I imagine it probably is. Very serious. But telling a police officer your address, on the other hand, is probably not very serious, is it? Or is it? Perhaps the law's changed since I last looked. Perhaps the Home Secretary has had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever they're asked to.

Stephen Alright. Alright. My fault. Ask a stupid person and you get a stupid answer.

Hugh I beg your pardon?

Stephen So, can I just check this with you, Mr ... (Drops lighter) ... ?

Hugh What?

Stephen Just to make sure I've got this right. Your address is ... number twenty-two ... (Tapdances, punches Hugh) ... Kings Lynn?

Hugh No, no, no! What's the matter with you? Are you deaf? It's ... (Tapdances, slaps Stephen) ... Kings Lynn.

Stephen Oh I'm sorry. I though you said ... (Tapdances, punches Hugh) ... Kings Lynn.

Hugh Well I didn't.

Stephen My apologies sir. I can't read my own writing.

Hugh Well get a typewriter.

Stephen If only we could afford it. Actually, at some angles, this almost looks like ... twenty-two ... (Tapdances, hits Hugh with a cricket bat) ... Kings Lynn.

Hugh That was too hard.

Stephen Oh I'm sorry sir. You're right. We really should get a typewriter.

Hugh That was too hard.

Stephen Well sir, you must admit that it's an unusual address for anyone to get the hang of ...

Hugh Never mind the fucking sketch! That was too hard. That really hurt.

Stephen Oh diddums. Did the nasty actor hit the poor little twerp ...

Hugh Fuck off. Hugh exits.

Stephen (To camera) He's just a child really.

Vox Pop

Stephen Until you've been there, you don't really have any idea what it's like - I shouldn't think. I'm not sure, I've never been there.

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