Spaghetti

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Hugh and Stephen in vests are sitting at a table eating spaghetti, with huge napkins tied round their necks. At the sink is a largish Italian mamma.

Stephen I gotta ask you something.

Hugh Go 'head.

Stephen You sleepin' with my wife?

Hugh What?

Stephen I said are you ...

Hugh I heard what you said.

Stephen So, you gonna ...

Hugh What the hell kind of a question is that?

Stephen You gonna answer?

Hugh Hell no.

Stephen Hell no?

Hugh Hell no. It's a dumb question.

Stephen Are you sleeping with my wife is a dumb question?

Hugh You're damn right.

Stephen So?

Hugh So what?

Stephen Are you sleeping with ...

Hugh Don't ask me that. Stop asking me that dumb question.

Stephen That means yes.

Hugh What the hell means yes? Stop asking me dumb questions means yes? What the hell is the matter with you?

Stephen You haven't answered the question. I asked you a question, you haven't answered it.

Hugh For Chrissake, I'm eatin' dinner. I'm sittin' here eatin' dinner, and you start with these dumb questions.

Stephen If you're sleepin' with my wife ...

Hugh What? What the hell you gonna do?

Stephen I'll kill you.

Hugh You'll kill me?

Stephen Yeah.

Hugh You'll kill your own brother?

Stephen Yeah.

Hugh Yeah, well relax. I ain't sleepin' with your wife.

Stephen You prove that?

Hugh Prove what?

Stephen You prove you ain't sleepin' with my wife?

Hugh How the hell'm I gonna prove that to you? Uh? What would be nice maybe is if you believe me. You know? You trust me when I tell you something, instead of askin' a lot of dumb questions.

Stephen OK.

Hugh OK what?

Stephen I believe you.

Hugh You believe me?

Stephen I believe you.

Hugh Well thank you. Can I eat my dinner now?

Stephen Sure.

Hugh OK.

Stephen You sleepin' with my sister?

Hugh What?

Stephen Are you sleepin' with ...

Hugh Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Stephen What?

Hugh You're my brother, right?

Stephen Right.

Hugh So your sister is my sister.

Stephen Waddya mean?

Hugh Waddya mean waddya mean? You're my brother and so your sister is also my sister, we have the same sister, you and me.

Stephen So?

Hugh So? Jesus, you're askin' me if I'm sleepin' with my own sister?

Stephen Are you?

Hugh Am I ... what the hell is the matter with you?

Stephen Are you sleepin' with your sister?

Hugh What the hell am I doin', bustin' my balls, sittin' here listenin' to this?

Stephen You're eatin' spaghetti.

Hugh Spaghetti bullshit.

Stephen Bolognese.

Hugh I come here to eat my dinner, and I'm gettin' all this bullshit for what?

Stephen For ...

Hugh You shut your mouth. All right? Just shut your mouth. Sleepin' with my own sister, Jesus.

Stephen You sleepin' with my mother?

Hugh That's it. One more word out of you ...

Stephen And what?

Hugh You know what. You and your dumb bullshit questions.

Stephen Whose dumb bullshit questions?

Hugh Hey, mamma. You hear him? You hear all this bullshit he's givin' me?

Stephen What bullshit? I ask you a question is all.

Mamma (English - to camera) Both my boys just adore New Ragazzo Sauce.

Stephen You sleepin' with my brother?

Vox Pop

Stephen Allergies? Well, I'm not good on strawberries, come out in a bit of a rash. The worst one though is Marmite. Only got to smell the stuff and I start voting Conserva- tive.

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