Spies Four

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

The spies' office. Stephen is pacing up and down frantically.Hugh enters.

Hugh Hullo there Control. Something up?

Stephen (Still walking) Well, it's a strange thing, Tony, but I've been advised that in order to stay fit I have to walk at least ten miles a day.

Hugh But you've always been as fit as a flea, Control. Or a fiddle anyway. "One of the fittest men in the service" you've been occasionally referred to as.

Stephen Look at this. Stephen brings out a pedometer.

Hugh What is it?

Stephen That's what I asked myself when the doctor gave it to me. It's a pedometer.

Hugh A pedometer?

Stephen Yes, it measures how many miles I walk. Mrs Control is jolly careful to make sure that I put it on every morning, worst luck.

Hugh Hah. Still, I'm sure Mrs Control has your best interests at heart.

Stephen Yes, that's true. Selfish of me to grumble. After all Tony ...

Hugh Yes?

Stephen It's for my own good she's being quite so firm about it.

Hugh That's right.

Stephen Any golly way, you don't want to listen to my woes I dare say, Tony.

Hugh Oh, I don't know, they're quite interesting.

Stephen What brings you to the seventh floor this morning?

Hugh Well, do you remember the Minister asking us to jolly well hurry up and find out who was behind all these bombs that have been going off in government departments of lately?

Stephen Do I remember, Tony. Yes indeed, I most certainly do. A top priority investigation was demanded as I remember. Surveillance, tailing, tapping, no limit to the budget. "Let's pull out all the stops on this one, Control, if you'd be kind enough", he said.

Hugh That's right. Quite a to-do.

Stephen I was going to ask you Tony. I put you in charge of that operation, have you come up with anything yet that might be a useful lead, or better still concrete information that could lead to some arrests?

Hugh Well, that's the very reason I popped in and surprised you at your walking, Control. I've just had a report from Commander Henderson of Special Branch.

Stephen That's the Scotland Yard branch founded earlier this century to deal with subversion and counter-insurgency.

Hugh That's the exact one.

Stephen I imagined quite strongly that it would be.

Hugh Yes. And they say that with some of our agents working undercover alongside them, they've arrested a cell of men and women who they believe they can prove are definitely responsible for the whole sorry wave of unfortunate and exasperating bomb attacks.

Stephen It was a sorry wave wasn't it?

Hugh It certainly was.

Stephen Well that is good news I must say.

Hugh I thought you'd be pleased.

Stephen I'm most pleased Tony. Well done. Full marks.

Hugh Calls for a coffee wouldn't you say?

Stephen It most certainly does.

Hugh I'll fetch you one.

Stephen No, Tony. It's my turn to fetch you one.

Hugh Well goodness, thank you Control.

Stephen No Tony, thank you. White no sugar, I think it is.

Hugh Yes please. This really is excessively kind of you Control.

Stephen Oh please don't mention it Tony. Besides ... (patting his pedometer) ... the extra walk will impress Mrs Control!

Hugh Oh you.

Stephen Back in a mo, Tony.

Hugh Righto Control. I don't mind the wait.

Vox Pop

Hugh No it would not be nice. It wouldn't be nice if all towns were like any town, let alone Milton Keynes.

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