Spies/Telescope

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen is looking out of his office window with a telescope. Hugh enters with a folder.

Hugh Oh. Morning Control.

Stephen Morning, Tony. I'll be with you in a minute.

Hugh I say, that's rather a splendid device. Where did you get that, if you don't mind my prying into your affairs?

Stephen I don't mind you prying at all, Tony. After all, you're only human.

Hugh That's right, Control. I am.

Stephen And what's more, you're a spy.

Hugh That's true as well.

Stephen Well to answer your question, Tony, you see it's my birthday today, and my sister Marie gave me this as a present.

Hugh I didn't know you had a sister called Marie, Control.

Stephen Marie isn't her real name of course, it's just a code name I've given her which prevents people from discovering her real name.

Hugh Ah well, that's cleared up that little confusion.

Stephen Her real name is Maria.

Hugh Oh. So you decided to opt for a code name that was quite similar to her real name, then Control?

Stephen Yes. It makes it much easier to remember.

Hugh Huh. You are a wily old fox, Control.

Stephen Anyway. This contraption is called a telescupe, Tony.

Hugh A telescupe?

Stephen Yes. Although I should point out that that's also a code name, in fact.

Hugh Say no more, Control. Hush hush.

Stephen Mmm. Although I don't think I'm speaking out of school if I tell you that this device enables one to see things very clearly over quite a long distance. Here, you can have a go yourself.

Hugh Control, I really don't know what to say. Hugh goes over to the telescope.

Stephen Don't mention it, Tony. Now have a look at that man down there standing next to the telephone kiosk. Hugh looks through.

Hugh Gosh Control. You weren't exaggerating when you said it allowed you to see things very clearly. He could almost be in the room with us.

Stephen That's very true, isn't it? But here's where the telescupe comes in. Because Tony?

Hugh Yes?

Stephen He isn't in the room with us.

Hugh Well I thought he wasn't in the room with us Control, but it's nice to have it confirmed by you.

Stephen He's actually on the other side of the street.

Hugh Hmm. He appears to be looking this way, Control, with ... wait a minute ... yes, Control, that man is looking at us ... with a telescupe.

Stephen Yes, Tony. My theory is that he is an enemy agent charged with the task of keeping us under surveillance.

Hugh What a confounded cheek, Control. I've a good mind to ring the police and have him moved on.

Stephen Steady Tony. I've got a better plan. Stephen starts dialling. I got Valerie to find out the number of that telephone kiosk.

Hugh Control, your plan is working. The man has picked up the receiver.

Stephen (Into telephone) Hello? Enemy Agent? It's Control here. (Pause) Very well, thank you. Please stop keeping us under surveillance. Thank you.

Hugh Yes, Control. He's going away.

Stephen (Wiping his hands) There, Tony. Another small but significant victory for our side.

Hugh Congratulations, Control.

Stephen Now you go and fetch us a nice cup of coffee, and we'll pretend this whole ugly incident never happened.

Hugh I can go one better than that, Control. Hugh exits and enters with a cup of coffee tied up in a red ribbon. Happy birthday to Control. Happy Birthday to Control. Happy Birthday to Control. Happy Birthday to Control.

Stephen Oh get along with you.

Hugh Aren't you going to open it?

Stephen Boh!

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