Swearing

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen and Hugh enter with their mouths gagged with tape, like anti-nuclear protestors (according to Hugh, who knows about these things).

Owing to the inaudibility of the irrepressible twosome, subtitles (But not subtleties, never subtleties).

Stephen Mm ... mmm ... mmm mmm.

Hugh Ng ... ng ... ng ... ng ... It is understood that the following dialogue is subtitled. Where it says Hugh and Stephen they will in fact be mumbling. The obliques strokes indicate where a seperate caption is required.

Stephen Good evening ladies and gentlemen/welcome to "A Bit Of Fry and Laurie".

Hugh Hello.

Stephen Before we go any further, we should explain/ our rather unconventional appearance this evening.

Hugh Yes, you normally sit on the left, don't you?

Stephen Nice gag, Hugh.

Hugh Thanks, I made it myself.

Stephen (To audience) We have a problem/ with our first item this evening ...

Hugh Only a slight one, though.

Stephen Yes, we've licked bigger problems that this/ eh Hugh?

Hugh Yes, there was that funny time when ...

Stephen Oh shut up.

Hugh Right.

Stephen We are wearing these gags as a protest

Hugh Write on

Stephen Our first item tonight, my sweet little honeyclusters/ is a searing insight into real life,/ and perforce relies on using/ the language of the street.

Hugh Swearwords ...

Stephen Swearwords, exactly. But we have been banned from using actual swearwords

Hugh Bastards

Stephen So we have had to make up new ones /which are absolutely pitiless in their detail./ Hugh rips off his gag.

Hugh And nobody can stop us from using them. Here they are ... Stephen rips off his gag. From now on, we are out loud. "Cloff".

Stephen "Prunk" ...

Hugh "Shote" ...

Stephen "Cucking" ...

Hugh "Skank" ...

Stephen "Fusk" ...

Hugh "Pempslider" ...

Stephen No, we said we wouldn't use that one.

Hugh Did we?

Stephen Yes, that's going too far.

Hugh What, "pempslider"?

Stephen Shut up.

Hugh Sorry.

Stephen And lastly, "pim-hole".

Hugh Hah.

Stephen So, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, our first sketch ... and good luck ...

Cut to Witness.

Vox Pop

Hugh I'm afraid I was very much the traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away.

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