Time Complaint

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Jeanine is behind the counter of a Dixons or similar enshoppment. Robert enters.

Jeanine Good morning, sir.

Robert Morning. I'd like to speak to someone about a refund, please.

Jeanine Yes?

Robert Yes.

Jeanine Yes?

Robert Oh I see. I have an appliance, bought from this shop, and it's sort of broken. So ...

Jeanine Oh dear. What is the appliance, sir?

Robert It's a time machine.

Jeanine A what?

Robert A time machine. Panasonic. KL 500.

Jeanine You bought a time machine in this shop, sir?

Robert Well, I didn't. My niece did.

Jeanine I see. When was this, sir?

Robert July '97.

Jeanine Right. And there's something wrong with it, is there?

Robert Well yes, I set it to go back to October 5th, 1970, because I wanted to see the last ever Janice Joplin concert, and it broke down. I don't know why ...

Jeanine You travelled back in time from 1997.

Robert '98. I left it in its box for six months because I didn't have an adaptor.

Jeanine Aha. Have you got the receipt?

Robert 'Fraid not. It was a present from ...

Jeanine Your niece, right. Has she got the receipt?

Robert Doubt it. She hasn't been born yet.

Jeanine Hhhmm. Tricky. Er ... how much did she pay for this machine, if you don't mind me asking?

Robert Will she pay?

Jeanine Will she pay?

Robert 99.99.

Jeanine Cheap for a time machine.

Robert Not if it doesn't work.

Jeanine No, of course not. I'm going to talk to the manager, if you don't mind waiting.

Robert Not at all.

Jeanine departs and Robert fiddles with gadgets: Jeanine comes back.

Jeanine Good morning, sir.

Robert Morning. I'd like to speak to someone about a refund, please.

Jeanine Yes?

Robert Yes.

Jeanine Yes?

Robert Oh I see. I have an appliance, bought from this shop ... you see, it's done it again.

Jeanine Done what again?

Robert It's sticking. It keeps sticking, for some reason ...

Jeanine What does?

Robert The time machine.

Jeanine Time machine?

Robert Yes. My niece is going to give me this time machine, but it's not going to work properly, so I'd like a refund.

Jeanine Are you alright?

Robert Perfectly. But the time machine keeps sticking, you see ...

Jeanine Are you alright?

Robert Perfectly. But the time machine keeps sticking, you see ...

Jeanine Are you alright?

Robert No, I'm insane.

Vox Pop

Hugh My favourite film? What's that one where Julia Roberts plays a convent-school fifth-former who comes round to my house and mistakes my face for a chair? Or did I make that one up?

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