Toaster

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Hugh enters an electrical goods shop. Stephen is behind the counter.

Hugh Hello. I'd like to buy a toaster.

Stephen What sort of toaster are you looking for?

Hugh I beg your pardon?

Stephen What sort of toaster are you looking for?

Hugh Oh I see what you mean. Well, ideally I'd like one that's good at toasting bread ...

Stephen Yes.

Hugh ... but can also be used as a weapon.

Stephen A weapon?

Hugh I beg your pardon?

Stephen A weapon?

Hugh Oh I see what you mean. Yes, a weapon.

Stephen Mmm. Call me an unrestrained arsewit if you like ...

Hugh Perhaps later.

Stephen As you wish. Why would you want to use a toaster as a weapon?

Hugh I beg your ...

Stephen Why would you want to use a toaster as a weapon?

Hugh These are uncertain times. We live in a shifting quicksand of international tension, forever dancing uncertain and fantastical steps on the brink of war.

Stephen Christ.

Hugh I think the optimum choice in the circumstances would be some kind of lightweight throwing toaster.

Stephen A lightweight throwing toaster?

Hugh Affirmative. Then I could use it as a weapon.

Stephen Forgive me if I seem to be labouring the point, but wouldn't it be simpler to use a weapon as a weapon, and use for the toaster for toasting?

Hugh I've already got a weapon.

Stephen Well doesn't it work?

Hugh Not as a toaster.

Stephen Well let me assure you, all our toasters work as toasters.

Hugh But not as weapons?

Stephen 'Fraid not.

Hugh Huh. Well that's not going to be much good when they come parachuting into Carshalton.

Stephen Who?

Hugh I beg you pardon?

Stephen Who is going to be parachuting into Carshalton?

Hugh They are.

Stephen Who is "they"?

Hugh I dunno. I'm not interested in politics.

Stephen I see.

Hugh I didn't have this problem with my bed.

Stephen Mmm. Your bed is a weapon?

Hugh In the right hands, yes.

Stephen A lightweight throwing bed?

Hugh Don't be stupid. It's a seek out and destroy bed. Modified for counter-insurgency operations.

Stephen Aha.

Hugh Perfect for the rough terrain surrounding the Carshalton area.

Stephen I see.

Hugh The bed shop was most helpful.

Stephen Well I dare say, but this is a kitchen appliance shop. If you want weaponry, I can't help feeling you'd be better off going to a specialist.

Hugh What sort of specialist?

Stephen Don't tempt me to answer that.

Hugh What do you mean?

Stephen Nothing. Nothing. I could suggest a garlic-press, I suppose.

Hugh Semi-automatic, gas-cooled, hand-to-hand, hunter-killer garlic-press?

Stephen Well, no, it's not much of a weapon really. Unless you're worried about garlics parachuting into Carshalton.

Hugh I don't at this time have garlics targetted as a priority threat.

Stephen Had you thought of a down to earth, honest to goodness kitchen knife?

Hugh A kitchen knife?

Stephen Yes. Produces knife.

Hugh Don't be stupid. You could have someone's eye out with that.

Stephen I thought that was the idea.

Hugh Oh no. No no no. You misunderstand me. My whole life is based on the principle that I will never be the aggressor.

Stephen Really?

Hugh All I want is to be prepared.

Stephen To be prepared?

Hugh To be prepared for when they come parachuting into Carshalton ...

Stephen Yes?

Hugh And also for the moment when I suddenly feel like a piece of toast.

Stephen I see.

Hugh You unrestrained arsewit.

Stephen You're welcome.

Vox Pop

Stephen I definitely think the Queen ought to give one to Esther Rantzen. Definitely.

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