Trick or Treat

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen is in the area, finishing off polishing his desk with a duster and a can of Pledge.

Stephen It is our firm belief on "A Bit Of Fry and Laurie", married to a passionate girl from Stockton-on- Tees, that there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything. He is walking out across the central set now towards a doorway set. So I and my "partner in crime", Hugh Laurie. (He finds this inordinately amusing) My "partner in crime"!!! No, I call him that, but that's not really what he is. We don't really commit crimes together of any kind. That's just a ghastly and unacceptable phrase that I like to use sometimes. So, anyway, I and my, as I say, "partner in crime!" ... (Wipes eyes) Honestly! ... are now going to demonstrate the right way and the wrong way to treat a couple of young children who have come round on Hallowe'en a-trick or treating. Hugh is waiting wearing something rather odd and looking very excited.

Hugh That's right!!! Now, we're going to play it like this. Firstly we're going to show you the Wrong Way, that's THE WRONG WAY, and then we're going to show you the Right Way. I'll say that again ... He doesn't.

Stephen Good. So all we need now is to wait for the doorbell to ring. They wait.

Stephen Nice carpet, Hugh. Tideyman's?

Hugh Who else, if you'll pardon the pun.

Stephen What pun?

Hugh Oh, wasn't there one? Sorry. Doorbell rings. Ah, the door.

Stephen We'll answer it, shall we?

Hugh Sounds like a hot suggestion to me. They answer the door. Two children stand without, wearing Hallowe'en masks.

Child 1 Trick or treat, mister.

Hugh Ah!

Stephen Toh!

Hugh Let me see, did we prepare a little bag of jelly beans out back?

Stephen We most certainly did, I'll go fetch them. Hugh is left alone with the children. He ruffles the hair of one of them.

Hugh So. You fond of football, young shaver-snapper?

Child 2 Yeah.

Hugh Do you fancy Arsenal this year?

Child 2 No way. I quite fancy my sister though.

Hugh (Disconcerted) Ahmm ... er ...

Stephen (Coming through) There we go. He ruffles their hair.

Child 1 Ta.

Hugh Bye now. Stephen shuts the door and smiles. That was the wrong way. THE WRONG WAY!! Now for the RIGHT WAY. I won't say that ever again. The Right Way, the RIGHT Way.

Stephen Nice pun, Hugh. Tideyman's?

Hugh Who else, if you'll pardon the carpet.

Stephen What carpet?

Hugh Oh wasn't there one? Sorry. Doorbell rings. Ah, the hot suggestion.

Stephen We'll answer it, shall we?

Hugh Sounds like a door to me. They answer the door: two children stand without, wearing Hallowe'en masks.

Child 1 Trick or treat, mister.

Hugh What?

Stephen WHAT did you say?

Child 1 Trick or treat.

Hugh Trick or treat?

Stephen Trick or treat?

Hugh Come here.

Stephen Both of you. NOW!!! The children approach. A bit scared.

Hugh (Hurling child number one bodily out of the door) This is England, not America.

Stephen (Doing the same to number two) NOT AMERICA!! You understand? Both children have flown out of the door. You see? A right way, and a wrong way.

Hugh We thank you.

Stephen Limply.

Vox Pop

Hugh (With an electronic organiser) Ask me anything, a telephone number, what time it is in Adelaide. Tell you what, I can tell you exactly what I'll be doing on the third of August 1997, say. Hang on (Presses a few buttons). Nothing. See, it says. Nothing.

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