Stephen So you'd like to join the Special Air Service?
Hugh Not really.
Stephen Not really?
Hugh Well, yes alright.
Stephen That's more like it. Height?
Hugh I'm sorry?
Stephen How tall are you?
Hugh Oh. Nine foot six.
Stephen Nine foot six. Good. Weight?Silence.
Hugh I'm waiting.
Stephen Good. You'd be surprised how many applicants are trapped into revealing how heavy they are. And you weigh?
Hugh Three tons.
Stephen Three tons. Sure about that?
Hugh Just over.
Stephen Alright. Just over three tons. It's as well to be accurate in these matters. Saves complications later on. So. Any particular disabilities?
Hugh I've got no sense of taste.
Stephen In what? Films? Music?
Hugh Food. I can't taste food.
Stephen Oh dear. That might be a problem.
Hugh Might that be a problem?
Stephen I've just said it might. Never mind, let's press on. Any special skills?
Hugh I look good in black.
Stephen Excellent. How old are you?
Hugh Ten and a half.
Stephen Shoe size?
Hugh Muddling up my height and my shoe size. I mean my shoe size and my height. See? I did it again.
Stephen Well that seems to be OK. How are you at making small talk?
Hugh Weather and traffic?
Stephen That sort of thing.
Hugh I can hold my end up.
Stephen Correct. Now, are you aware of what the SAS is all about?
Hugh Not really.
Stephen I see. Well originally, the SAS was formed as an elite, crack, secret, crack secret assault force, to work behind enemy lines during the war.
Stephen Of course our role has changed somewhat since then. Nowadays our duties are to act primarily as a masturbatory aid for Lewis Collins and various back-bench MPs.
Hugh I beg you pardon?
Stephen I'm afraid so. A worrying number of today's parliamentarians are quite unable to achieve sexual gratification without fantasizing about the SAS. So basically, we have to go round the place being secret and crack and elite, so that these people will be able to keep their marriages intact.
Hugh Doesn't sound very exciting. Have you got anything else on your cards?
Stephen Well, the BBC are advertising for someone to go into that room over there.
Hugh Which one?
Stephen (Pointing) That one, just over there.
Hugh Alright. I'll give it a go.Hugh enters room for next sketch.
Hugh It's very hard to undo it, though. So you have to be absolutely sure.
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