Hugh You know, we've had a whole armpitful of letters from a viewer recently, asking whether she can join the Fry & Laurie Fan Club, and I'm afraid, Giselle of Nuneaton, the answer is no, because there isn't one.
Stephen Wasn't one.
Hugh That's right. There also wasn't one, as well as there being an isn't one.
Stephen What a magical weaver of words you are, Hugh.
Hugh Cheers.
Stephen What I mean is, there wasn't one, but there is one now.
Hugh Hello?
Stephen Or rather there are two.
Hugh We've got one each? Shrewd. Very shrewd.
Stephen No, our legs have got one each.
Hugh Sorry?
Stephen One club is called the Fry & Laurie Left Leg Club, and the other is called ...
Hugh Don't tell me ... no, actually you'd better tell me.
Stephen They Fry & Laurie Right Leg Club. For the frighteningly reasonable sum of £450 a month, you will be entitled to a yearly newsletter, containing articles, profiles, photographs, competitions, crosswords, and in-depth interviews with our right legs.
Hugh What extraordinarily good value this offer seems to represent. And does membership of the Right Leg Club give you automatic membership of the Left Leg Club?
Stephen Sadly no, Hugh. We may be generous, but we're not nice.
Hugh Gotcha.
Stephen Membership of the Left Leg Club however is slightly cheaper, at £390 a month.
Hugh Now why would that be, I wonder?
Stephen I don't know. Marketing boys came up with it.
Hugh Interesting. Couldn't we get any grown-ups to do our marketing?
Stephen But if you join both clubs at once, you will be entitled to this T-shirt ... Stephen holds up a plain white T-shirt. ... with our famous catchphrase on it. We will also send you a fully automatic Frank Windsor as part of this once-in-a- lifetime introductory offer. Picture of Frank Windsor flashes up on the screen. Anyway, that's enough merchandising news. Until the same time next week, eat plenty of hot meals and take heaps of exercise.
Hugh Oh and ...
Stephen Shut up.
Vox Pop
Stephen I get this terrible reaction, when I eat chocolate. I get awful rashes all over my body, and this odd, greeny-blue pus starts to leak out from my armpits, revolting smell, and I get these terrible pains up and down my legs, I sometimes just scream for hours with the agony of it, and then my liver fails altogether and I usually have to be rushed into casualty and have a drip put in my arm, and all the time I've got these headaches that make me think my brain is going to explode, and I'm covered in pus, my liver gone, legs burning pain and I say to myself, I couldn't half murder a Twix.