Stephen Hello. On the show tonight, I'm joined by a complex network of muscle tissue and tendons, controlled by my central nervous system. But I'm lucky enough to have as a guest Mr Philip Follip, who I believe has a remarkable invention. Hello, Philip.
Hugh Hello, Riversdale.
Stephen Alan.
Hugh Oh. I'm sorry.
Stephen I know it's spelt Riversdale, but it's actually pronounced "Alan".
Hugh Alan it is then.
Stephen Tell us about your invention, Philip, taking care not to be dull for a single moment.
Hugh Well, basically, I looked at the karaoke machine, that's been such a popular hit over the last few years, and thought to myself how could I improve on it.
Stephen Conclusions, Philip? You must have reached some, surely?
Hugh Well, I thought the trouble with the karaoke machine is that it only allows you to sing along with it.
Stephen Right, and you thought "Hello, there's a window of opportunity, let's heave a brick through it." Am I warm?
Hugh Warm enough.
Stephen That's all I ask.
Hugh So I thought, what about a machine that would not only allow you to sing along with it, but would allow you to play along with it as well?
Stephen I'm beginning to see how your mind works.
Hugh And I came up with this.
Holds up a little black box with a button on it.Stephen I don't know if our cameras can see that ... If they can't, I suggest we take them back to the shop and get a fucking refund.
Hugh If I just press this button here, then what happens is this ...
He presses the button and there is silence.Stephen Yes?
Hugh Complete silence.
Stephen Yes?
Hugh Which now allows me and my orchestra to play and sing along. One, two, three, four ...
Cut wide to see full band: Hugh sings.Vox Pop
Hugh Course, it's well known that Shakespeare didn't really exist. And that if he did, he was lots of people. And they were all women, and that all his plays were written by Alan Bleasdale. And that Shakespeare shot Kennedy, and that Lee Harvey Oswald was nothing but a pansy. They don't put that on Newsnight, though, do they?