Newsreader The House of Commons sat in stunned silence as the Prime Minister, Mr John ... damn, I've got it here somewhere, (flicks through the pages of his script) Major, that's it, Mr John Major announced his intention to resign, saying he wanted to spend more time with his collection of miniature fire engines. His replacement, a Mr Neddy Muldoon of Orchard Lane, St Neots, has been elected unopposed by the Parliamentary Conservative Party. Cut to a news conference: Hugh addressing the press. Stephen stands slightly to one side.
Hugh Good heavens. Not a bad turnout, eh Jack?
Reporter 1 Mr Muldoon?
Hugh Yes, over here. I'm Muldoon.
Reporter 1 Mr Muldoon, what is your position on Europe? Do you see yourself as a federalist?
Hugh Oh, er ... crikey. Federalist is as federalist does, that's always been my watchword.
Reporter 1 Does that mean you'll be advocating the German model in future discussions?
Hugh Er ... (to Stephen) Jack, a boy from Trenton House is screaming "Howzat" in my face ...
Stephen (Sotto voce) I believe very strongly in the notion of peace through strength.
Hugh So do I.
Reporter 1 You do what?
Hugh I believe in what Jack just said. Peace through strength.
Stephen And if it becomes necessary ...
Hugh If it should, at any time, in the future, become necessary ...
Stephen To protect the interests of this country ...
Hugh To protect, in a manner of speaking after a fashion, the interests of this country ...
Stephen We will not hesitate to invade Poland ...
Hugh We will not hesitate to invade ... excuse me for a moment, everyone. (To Stephen) Jack, you sure that's not pitching it a little strong?
Stephen It's what we agreed.
Stephen Your supporters, Neddy. We agreed.
Hugh But Jack, I'm not altogether sure that I can ... Stephen produces the Stanley knife. Hello, I see you've still got the knife I gave you. Doing all right is it? Useful?
Stephen Extremely useful, Neddy, thank you.
Reporter 1 Mr Muldoon, did you say that you were prepared to invade somewhere?
Stephen No no. Crikey no. No, little misunderstanding, that's all. No, I've always thought that the best way to work these sort of things out is to sit round a table - although you could also sit along the side of a table, it doesn't have to be a round table - and just have a bit of an old chat and a head scratch. Stephen stabs Hugh: shouting and commotion. Hugh falls to the ground and looks up at Stephen. Jack?
Stephen Yes, Neddy?
Hugh Someone's gone and stuck a knife in me.
Stephen The police are after them now, Neddy.
Stephen Yes Neddy?
Hugh I want you to have my lawnmower.
Stephen I had a blue hat once but a dog ate it up, shredded it to bits he did. I went to him and said "Look here this dog has eaten my hat." He said, "I don't bloody care." So I said, "I don't like your attitude," he said "It's not my 'at 'e chewed, it's your 'at 'e chewed." My uncle used to tell me that in the bath before he was arrested.
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