Hugh You know that scene in Where Eagles Dare?
Stephen Which scene?
Hugh The one where Richard Burton is pretending to be a German agent.
Stephen Oh yes.
Hugh And in fact he's trying to find out the name of all the German agents in Britain. You know the one?
Stephen Yes, yes. I remember it.
Hugh Yes. That happened to me once.
Stephen Did it, did it?
Hugh Yes. In spades. In fact it's always happening to me. Lots of things from films happen to me.
Stephen Is that right?
Hugh You know the scene in War Games where the scientist calls the air-force general a pig-eyed sack of shit. Someone called me that the other day.
Stephen The other day?
Hugh Oh no, you're right. It was the same day. And Fatal Attraction could have been written about me. I almost sued when I saw it.
Stephen You were persecuted by a one-night stand were you?
Hugh No. No. I once went to bed with Glenn Close though.
Stephen That's ridiculous.
Hugh You're right, it's completely ridiculous. I went to bed with Michael Douglas.
Stephen You went to bed with Michael Douglas.
Hugh In a sense.
Stephen What sense?
Hugh A completely made-up untrue sense.
Stephen Well as it happens, I've been to bed with Michael Douglas in that sense.
Hugh Really?
Stephen Well, snogged with him.
Hugh How was it?
Stephen I don't know. I made it up. But I'll tell you a really true thing that definitely happened to me, Kathleen Turner and Adrian Moorhouse. We were all lying in bed when ... Enter Paul Eddington very suddenly.
Paul Immaculate, I'd say.
Vox Pop
Hugh I had this idea for a television series, which I sent to Channel 4, in which every week people have to kill Noel Edmonds in a different way. But they said they were already working on something very similar.