Barman

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen is a barman. Hugh is leaning against the bar. He drains a glass.

Hugh I'll have another one please, barman.

Stephen Are you sure?

Hugh (aggressively) What?

Stephen No offence, but this'll be your seventh.

Hugh Just keep 'em coming.

Stephen OK, OK - your funeral.

Stephen takes out a glass, fills it with Ribena and adds water.

Hugh Bitch.

Stephen Come again?

Hugh My wife.

Stephen Ah, right.

Hugh She doesn't understand me. She's never understood me.

Stephen What, Polish or something is she?

Hugh Have you ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you despised?

Stephen Hoo, not since I was nine. Do you like it straight up, sir?

Hugh Huh?

Stephen Or with ice?

Hugh Ice. Stephen pushes drink to Hugh.

Stephen Cocktail onion?

Hugh No thanks. She takes no interest in my friends, she laughs at my ...

Stephen Peanuts?

Hugh ... hobbies. No thanks. She doesn't even value my ...

Stephen Crinkle-cut Cheesy Wotsit? Stephen pushes a bowl of crinkle-cut Cheesy Wotsits towards Hugh, who takes one and chews it absent-mindedly.

Hugh ... career. Thanks. You know, I mean it's just so depressing. Alright so other men have got larger ...

Stephen Plums? Hugh waves away a bowl of plums. Stephen comes round to Hugh's side to do some wiping down and arranging of the bar-stools.

Hugh ... salaries and other men have got better cars and better prospects and more can boast a healthier ...

Stephen Stool?

Hugh ... lifestyle ... ta ... Hugh sits, Stephen goes round. ... alright, so I don't have that much cash lying around. But why complain? Others are worse off. I've got a job. I've got two sweet rosy ...

Stephen Nibbles? A bowl of crisps is handed forward.

Hugh ... children. But she's always going on and on at me about my appearance. It's not as if she's an oil painting. I mean frankly she's ...

Stephen (pointing at the crisps) Plain and prawn flavoured.

Hugh ... not as young as she used to be herself. I don't know why I bother with women. I'd be better off being a ...

Stephen Fruit?

Hugh ... monk or a hermit or something. At least if I was a ...

Stephen Fag?

Hugh ... monk I wouldn't have to put up with women who can talk the back legs off a ...

Stephen Camel?

Hugh Donkey. Of course the trouble is I couldn't live without women. In a monastery the best you can hope for is a bit of ...

Stephen Chocolate hob nob?

Hugh ... bit of spirituality and peace. And let's face it, we haven't slept together for years. I'm lucky if I get a bit of ...

Stephen Savoury finger?

Hugh ... a cuddle at Christmas. And naturally she won't let me give her so much as a ...

Stephen (looking over his shoulder) Good juicy tongue in the back passage.

Hugh ... peck on the cheek. The trouble with that woman is, she's just a ...

Stephen Rather disgusting-looking tart that should have been disposed of ages ago?

Hugh ... complainer. Bangs his empty glass down. ... One more for the road I think, barman.

Stephen Anything to go with it?

Long pause.

Hugh A bag of oral sex, if you've got one.

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