Information

A sketch from A Bit of Fry & Laurie

Stephen is sitting behind a desk with an "information" sign on it. Hugh enters.

Hugh Good morning.

Stephen Good morning.

Hugh Good morning.

Stephen Right. Can I help you?

Hugh Yes. Your face my arse.

Stephen No, I said can I help you?

Hugh Oh. I'd like some information, please.

Stephen Yes.

Hugh Well?

Stephen Well what?

Hugh I'd like some information, please.

Stephen Yes. What information would you like?

Hugh Well I don't know. What have you got?

Stephen I beg your pardon?

Hugh What information have you got?

Stephen Well, all sorts.

Hugh Such as?

Stephen Such as ... the average weight of a rabbit.

Hugh Well I never knew that.

Stephen What?

Hugh I never knew rabbits had an average weight.

Stephen Oh yes.

Hugh Have you got any other information?

Stephen Of course. But you've got to ask me questions, you see.

Hugh And you'll tell me the answers ... ?

Stephen That's right.

Hugh ... if I ask the questions. Right. What's the name ... ?

Stephen Yes?

Hugh What's the name of the man who taught me Geography at school?

Stephen I'm afraid that's hardly the kind of thing ...

Hugh Aha.

Stephen Tscch. Alright. His name was Colin Drip.

Hugh That's right.

Stephen Drippy, you used to call him.

Hugh Drippy. Cor, that takes me back a bit. Now, there was a bloke in our class - tsch, what was his name ...

Stephen Adams, Attersham, Bennet, Connor, Fredericks, Hodson ...

Hugh Hodson! That's it, that's it. Ned Hodson. Blimey, he used to drive old Drippy up the wall. D'you know what he used to do?

Stephen Yes.

Hugh Oh. Cor. I wonder what happened to him?

Stephen He married a girl called Susan Trite, and they now live in Fenton, near Worcester.

Hugh I don't think I ever met her.

Stephen Yes you did. July the fourth, 1972, you sat next to her on a twenty-nine bus down Garboldisham Road and she told you about the Bay City Rollers. You were in love with her until the following Wednesday.

Hugh Hm. You've got quite a lot of information, then?

Stephen We try to provide a service. Anything else?

Hugh Yes please. Can you tell me ...

Stephen Yes?

Hugh Can you tell me how to be happy?

Stephen How to be happy?

Hugh How to be happy.

Stephen I'm afraid to say that information may be restricted.

Hugh Oh. You do have it, though?

Stephen Oh yes.

Hugh But it's restricted?

Stephen I'm afraid so. Sorry.

Hugh Contented?

Stephen Yes thank you.

Hugh No, any information on how to be contented?

Stephen Oh I see. Yes, we've got information on that.

Hugh Can I have it?

Stephen I'm afraid it's a secret.

Hugh Oh, go on.

Stephen Alright. The secret of contentment is ...

Hugh Yes?

Stephen Don't ask questions.

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