Stephen Ladies and gentlemen, we were going to do a sketch for you ...
Hugh But we're not now.
Stephen No, we're not going to do it for you, now.
Hugh Or ever.
Stephen Or probably ever. Unless this country radically changes direction.
Hugh Looks unlikely.
Stephen Which does indeed look unlikely. The reason we're not going to do this sketch is that it contains a great deal of sex and violence.
Hugh A great deal.
Stephen Lots of sex and violence.
Hugh That's right. During the sketch, Stephen hits me several times with a golf club.
Stephen Which of course wouldn't matter except that I hit Hugh very sexily.
Hugh That's the trouble, you see. He does it so sexily. I wish you could see it.
Stephen And then the sketch ends with us going to bed together ...
Hugh ... violently.
Stephen Extremely violently. Now this raises problems.
Hugh Not for me.
Stephen Me neither, but Sir William Rees-Mogg didn't like it a bit, did he?
Hugh Well there was one bit he liked.
Stephen Yes, that's true. He did like it one bit. But he didn't like a lot of other bits.
Hugh But I don't want you to think that Sir William's remit with the Broadcasting Standards Council is so sweeping as to be a kind of government thought police.
Stephen No. The concern is primarily for standards.
Stephen For the sake of our children.
Hugh So, in a generous spirit of give and take, Sir William has taken our sketch.
Stephen And we've given it to him.
Hugh And he has written one for us to do instead. Which is free of any gratuitous sex and violence.
Stephen And shows due and proper regard for decency and standards.
Hugh Promoting family life and protecting our children.
Stephen Sir William has called his sketch simply "Bitchmother, Come Light My Bottom".
Hugh And we're going to do it for you now.
Stephen "Bitchmother, Come Light My Bottom", by Sir William Rees-Mogg.
Stephen Oh yes, my wife wears the trousers. No question. But we're hoping to get a second pair some time next year.
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