Hugh Hello, I'm Tony Inchpractice, and welcome to "Photocopying My Genitals With". Tonight I shall be "Photocopying My Genitals With" Sir Alan Beaverby, one time Labour Employment Secretary, now an active member of the International Orphans Trust. Good evening, Sir Alan, thanks for coming on the show.
Stephen My pleasure, Tony. Good of you to have me.
Hugh Now, Sir Alan, the equipment is ready ...
Hugh Hahaha, yes, so shall I go first?
Stephen Yes, after you, Tony.
Hugh Right. Hugh lifts up the cover of the photocopier, removing his tackle: he then gently lowers the lid, all while talking. Now, Sir Alan, you retired from politics last August after a quarter of a century in the House of Commons, in which you held a variety of Cabinet posts, was that a particularly sad time for you?
Stephen Oh yes, very sad indeed. Apart from anything else, one makes so many friends in politics, and of course I was very sorry to have to leave them behind, as it were.
Hugh Would you mind pressing the buttons for me?
Stephen Oh yes, of course. Er ... how many copies do we want?
Hugh Well, one for each of us, I think, and one for luck?
Stephen Right you are. Stephen presses the relevant buttons and the machine begins to whirr.
Hugh You had a particularly harrowing time in the late sixties, when it was alleged that you were involved in the Dobro property scandal. Were you at all tempted to leave politics then?
Stephen It crossed my mind, Tony, obviously. But my wife was adamant that I should carry on, so I did.
Hugh Do you still keep in touch with the political scene now?
Stephen Oh yes, as much as I can. I'm still active in the constituency, and I like to drop into the visitors gallery at the Commons whenever I can.
Hugh Right, Sir Alan, your turn. Hugh removes himself from the machine.
Stephen I say, would you mind if I did something slightly different?
Hugh Not at all.
Stephen It's just that I'd be much more interested in photocopying my bottom, if that's all right.
Hugh Well I don't see why not. Can we do that? Yes, we can do that. Would you like me to hold anything?
Stephen No, no. I'll just hop on here ... Stephen drops his trousers and sits on the photocopier. There we go.
Hugh Three copies?
Stephen Well again, I don't want to go bucking the system and making a nuisance of myself, but would you mind doing a couple of hundred?
Hugh A couple of hundred, wow.
Stephen It's just that I do keep getting requests from charity auctions and that sort of thing, and it would be so useful to have something to send them.
Hugh I quite understand. So ... enjoying retirement?
Hugh What's the difference between a man and a woman? (No reply) Oh. (Wanders off and stops someone else) Excuse me. What's the difference between a man and a woman?
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